The Thin Line Between Creepy and Charming
July 11, 2009 by: Thomas
Yesterday I tweeted “The only difference between creepy and charming is permission.”
Some explanation is in order. No, I did not go on a date last night. No, I did not have yet another awkward encounter with a woman. But there is a story here and an interesting conclusion.
The tweet was the result of three completely unrelated things blending in my mind.
Thing 1: Barrack Obama
There has been a lot of chatter online about this photo of Obama at the G8 summit.
In light of the chatter, I have been thinking about how men ought to look at women. And, how they ought not look at women. The base forces of nature seem to war with the moral law. The specific social rules seem to vary by community. What is appropriate?
Thing 2: Girl in Parking Garage
As I left the apple store yesterday, I walked to my car in the parking garage. A young woman drove past me and as we made eye contact she unconsciously whisked her hair behind her ear. I wondered why she would do that, at that moment.
Thing 3: James Bond
Yesterday my family watched Quantum of Solice. So, as I walked through the parking garage, the movie swam through my mind.
In the movie, James Bond’s credit card gets denied at an airport. He looks deeply into the eyes of the lady at the counter who denied him the charge… and she melts. He asks “in a few moments you will get a call. Tell them I’m going to Cairo.” She smiles at him and he walks away.
Why would she melt? Why is this scene believable? Why can’t I do that?
I started adding up all the differences between me and James Bond. It was a depressing 30 minutes. Then I started eliminating the things James didn’t have to help him at the counter.
He had no gadgets, no money and no bad guys to beat up. But he still had one thing: His striking good looks and crystal blue eyes. If he had been ugly and peered into her eyes she would have looked away disgusted. I know. But James didn’t get disgust. He got permission. The woman gave him permission to look into her eyes because she wanted to look back into his.
The only difference between Bozo and Bond is permission.
So What?
You girls who are probably saying. “I could have told you that!” I know. Several of you already have on Twitter and Facebook. But to me this is a profound truth and I feel it applies to much more than just guy/girl relationships.
Gospel Permission
There is a Gospel application here. Before we can talk to someone about their soul we need their permission. Otherwise they won’t listen. Permission does not need to take long. Permission just takes tact. I find that tracts and humor can help break the ice.
But how did Jesus get permission? He healed people, raised the dead and offered hope. But, he had also something more. He could look into a man’s eyes, say “follow me” and the man would. Permission is power. Jesus’ power is supernatural. If we want permission that goes beyond gimmicks like tracts and treasure lists we need supernatural power too.
Business Permission
I have given Amazon permission to email me book recommendations. The emails are relevant because Amazon knows about the books I buy. If Barns & Noble were to send me an email recommending the same books I would spam it. Why? Because, Barns & Noble doesn’t have my permission to talk to me. They haven’t earned it.
If you want to grow your business you need to stop thinking of ways to spam people and start thinking of ways to earn their permission. Twitter is a good way to learn this skill. It doesn’t take much permission to send 140 characters once every other day.
Political Permission
The more I get around the more a realize that most people actually do care about politics. They just don’t care to hear about my politics. This is an important distinction. It is easy to write people off as complacent when I really just lack permission. Are people apathetic or do they just distrust both parties? A political party needs permission before it can have discourse. It must have discourse before it can sway opinion. It must sway opinion before it can win elections.
How do you get permission to influence someone’s political views?
I’m not sure. Striking good looks don’t hurt. Why else would Hollywood celebrates and Ann Coulter get such power? Humor seems to work too. I’m not sure what the answers are here. I know I often get into a political conversations on Facebook after sharing a link to a political YouTube video. What do you think?
Take Aways
- Permission is more valuable than money.
- Money can’t buy love, but permission is an ingredient to love.
- Money can buy spam, but spam can’t build a relationship between you and your customer.
- Money can’t buy votes, but permission can get attention and attention can change minds.
- The Kristi Question Today is the 3 year anniversary of my run in...
Great post! Permission is the key to many things. From a different perspective, who are the people/influences we give permission to speak into our lives? And why? Now you’ve got me thinking…
Great post. I particularaly liked your Gospel Analogy. An interesting undertaking: look through the gospels for instances where Jesus did or did not get permission before addressing an individual or issue.
Off the top of my head, it seems generally Jesus only spoke into a life only after gaining a certain level of permission. The rich young ruler, for instance, asked what he must do to be saved. The crowds came to Jesus to listen to his doctrine. The women caught in adultery was saved physically before Jesus addressed her spiritual state. Etc.
There were times of course when he didn’t get permission, as when cleansing the temple or addressing the pharisees.
I think it would be a profitable study to take this idea and trace it through Jesus’ ministry in the Gospels…
This sounds reasonable at first, but if we to the book of Acts right after the Gospels we see what happened to Paul. Paul, on his way to persecute more followers of Chris was blinded and the Lord took his heart of stone and gave him a heart of flesh. So Jesus didn’t wait for Paul to give him permission to blind him and he didn’t get permission from him to restore his sight.
Chris -
I understand where you are coming from. However, I would argue that Paul was already zealously seeking God, it was just not a zeal according to knowledge. We can see this Paul’s question and God’s response: “Who art thou Lord?” “I am Jesus whom thou persecutest.” It took this supernatural experience for Paul to realize he had missed God in his zeal to serve God. I do not view Paul as Anti-God before his conversion, indeed he was attempting to stamp out what he viewed as heresy in order to protect the worship of God. He just needed a little help to see the “light.” (sry, pun intended).
Very clever post! It is interesting how those three unrelated things struck a note that can be applied to so many different areas. I’ll have to think more about it…especially since I write lots of articles that are provocative (as in thought provoking). Some people really love it…others bear with me. One liberal guy told me that there are few people that have serious convictions different from his that want to debate with him (probably can’t *stand* to debate with him, in my opinion), so he likes to talk to me. But I’m not entirely certain if such a person has their mind open to finding out the facts, or if they are just being foolish gluttons for controversy.
For some funny reason this also brings to my mind the story in Acts (I need to find the reference) about the fellows (I think it was more than one person) that tried to cast out a demon by invoking the names of Jesus and Paul, but the demon responded, “I know Paul, and I know Jesus, but who are you?” – the demon had no respect for them and beat them up, perhaps because they weren’t true believers who had permission to bind the devil.
That word “uncousinly” – I don’t think I’ve seen that written out in a long time. Firefox’s spell check doesn’t even recognize it. Nice, old-fashioned sounding word.
~Amanda~
The word was supposed to be “unconsciously.” I’ve fixed it now. At some point in my life I hope to write a typo free post :-\
Thanks for the comments everyone.
Oh, that was a typo? At first I thought it might be, but then I looked up the word and thought I was just having an ignorant brain lapse. That’s hilarious! I must think entirely too hard…
Once a friend of mine e-mailed a quiz to me that she filled out and under the question “What color car do you want?” she wrote, “prolly forest green”. I thought for years that “prolly forest green” was a specific color, and then my sister informed me that “prolly” is just short for “probably”.
~Amanda~
Ah, I found the reference: Acts 19:13-16.
~Amanda~
Permission is directly related to rapport. People are willing to listen to requests from people with whom they have more rapport. For better or worse, rapport is a skill that can be learned
“Love is a fool’s game, where the same feelings and actions in two different situations can be brilliant and stupid, right and wrong, life-giving and sorrow-bearing, romantic and creepy. He is a hero or villain based less on his motives and more on her whims. There is no way of knowing which it will be until he is rewarded or punished for his actions. If he takes only a calculated risk, he is a coward. Would you like to play?”
“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” This applies across the board in love, politics, religion, you name it. Thanks for the reminder Thomas.
This was interesting, and well written but I do not agree. It was my understanding that permission comes only from God. A woman may encourage a man to look at her in a lustful way, but that man has no permission from God. If he responds immorally he will reap the consequenses of his sin. God is the ultimate authority and we answer to Him for every look, word and deed. God does not answer to us or ask our opinion. It is most important that we do not pretend God is less than all that He is, or to pretend that we are more than we are. Jesus Christ, as God, does not ask permission to heal, to save or to call men. He acts and we respond.
Rom 12:1-3 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.
Have you seen the video footage of that infamous photo of Barak supposedly ogling that young woman? If you look at the *video*, you will almost certainly get a different impression than what the *photo* implies. Check it out.
That other man, however, the leader of a country, sorry, I forget who he is……now, HIS reaction is what you actually wanna notice.