Birthday Poetry

Somehow I found myself in a Mastermind Group with a bunch of authors. If you are wondering how Thomas (not an author) started hanging in an author mastermind group, I can tell you I have no idea. If memory serves me correctly, one of them saw me at a writer’s conference trying to sell author websites and had pity on me for my utter lack of writing prowess.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while know that typos and me are very good friends. Commas on the other hand and I have not been on speaking terms for some time. I must have had a terrible experience with the comma key as a child. Now my fingers fear that button. So, commas tend to, randomly, appear in my writing, until I hire an editor to herd, them all back into place.

Unnecessary Aside: Mastermind Groups

If you are not in a Mastermind Group you are missing out. Though we are spread across four timezones we meet face to face several times a month on a Google+ Hangout. We encourage, pray for, challenge and teach each other what we have learned recently.  This is the number one learning event in my month. Though the encouragement is what I value most. Benjamin Franklin had a Mastermind Group (he called it a Junto) and we all know how he turned out.

End Unnecessary Aside

Last year, these crazy authors started writing each other poetry for their birthdays. No I don’t know why.

When my birthday came along they wrote poems for me. I have to say I was a little flattered. No had ever written me a poem before. I learned a valuable lesson, poetry does not need to be good to be enjoyable. In fact,,,,, there is something delightfully approachable about bad poetry. The general consensus is that my poetry is cheesy at best (yes I write birthday poetry too).  But I don’t let that stop me from letting the poetic cheese flow from the inner depths of my velveeta soul.

So here is the poetry.  I have hidden the author’s names to protect the innocent (our group is semi secret). Enjoy.

2012 Birthday Poems:

 There once lived a compu-boy named Thomas
Who built websites that would alarm us
He coded and hacked
Not one bell did they lack
Internet domination did he promise 

 

Today our dear Thomas turns twenty-sev,
He’s ancient and ready for heav,
If this poem must rhyme,
Then we’d best (double-time)
Change dear Tommie’s first name to Kev.

 

There once was a web guy named Umstattd
All alone except for his drunk cat
Let’s rock his whole world
And get him a girl
So he finally can have his own rug-rat

 

I’ve never been much good at rhyme
And today I just don’t have the time.
I’d rather write books
Than see folk’s funny looks
While I grope for a humorous line.

 

I declare that Rachelle is the winner.
So she can buy Thomas a dinner.
And bring a blind date
For Thomas to rate
Via Google analytics and Twitter.

 

T.U.J. lives in Texas,
Even so, he has no exes,
So I’m with Rachelle,
Let’s find him a belle,
So she can kick him in the solar plexus

2013 Birthday Poems:

There once lived a guru Umstattd
Who took out the strangest Want Ad
“My name it is Thomas
And I give you my promise
That I’ll fix every errant iPad.”

 

Umstaddt, Umstattd, who can spell it?
If you can’t say it, how can you sell it?
At least the guy is tall, young and bold.
Let’s find him a wife, before he gets old.

 

Nothing rhymes with Umstaddt,
So no lines will come. Drat!

 

The founder of Author Media,
Is a walking encyclopedia.
If you need some knowledge,
Don’t bother with college,
Cuz asking St. Thomas is speediah.

 

Thomas is a flower in a field.
The bird is dead.
I long for home.

 

 

Thomas is amazing.
Winter is cold.
I need chocolate.

Poetic Themes

If you can’t tell, I’m the only single person in the group. They are focused on finding me an author wife. I think their goal is to fill my house with a linage of little literary offspring. So if you know any cute writers, do let me know so I can get these folks off my back 🙂

Now it is your turn. Next time you see a friend with a birthday on Facebook, write him or her a poem.

,,,,,,,,, (Errant Comma Herd)

Thomas Umstattd Jr. is the author of Courtship in Crisis, the former head of PracticalCourtship.com, and co-founder of the Austin Rhetoric Club, a homeschool speech and debate club in Austin, Texas. He is a professional speaker and CEO of Author Media. He sits on the board of directors for several nonprofits, including the Texas Alliance for Life.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

2 thoughts on “Birthday Poetry

  1. I once birthed a baby named Thomas
    That date is again now upon us
    At home he was schooled
    And he learned every rule
    Except for those darn, nasty commas!

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