Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
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Very intriguing article! I grew up in the Philippines and our version of courtship is definitely very different. In my country, if a suitor was interested in courting a girl, the girl herself will ask permission from her father. If he says yes, then the suitor can come visit the girl in her home in the presence of the entire family on a regular basis. The girl and her entire family gets to know the suitor for a good long time (sometimes even up to 5 years). Now, a girl is allowed to have several suitors at a time. Only time and prayers will tell which suitor truly “suits” her. She says yes and they can finally go out on a chaperoned date but because there has been plenty of interaction between both parties, the clear direction is that of marriage. When my family came to the U. S., I had a Caucasian suitor. I explained to him the process of courtship (as we Filipinos know it). He said it was a refreshing break from traditional dating. He visited me at our home every Friday night, had dinner with the family, watched movies in the living room and even prayed together. We did have plenty of alone time but not too much that it would cause temptation. It’s hard to get tempted when anyone in the family could just come in the room at anytime. We courted (and yes, I courted him too!) and got married five years later after just graduating from college. Glad to say we have three beautiful children and am very grateful we are celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary. Prayer, honesty, plenty of time to get to know each other and family support played a big role in our five year courtship. We are looking forward to teaching courtship to our children but the version of courtship that has room for prayer, honesty, time to get to know each other and family involvement. Thank you again for your insightful article!!!
I acknowledge some of the major faults of the courtship ideas that you mentioned. Many of those are undeniable. However, as a public school kid who had my fair share of dating and the associated evil, I think you are wildly off the mark. One of the most baffling of your points is under “Advantages of Traditional Dating”: “Less Temptation.” Actually, just the opposite is true. Few things could be more temping than what you describe. I know because I have been there. What’s more, this point in particular and your position in general is enormously naïve of the basic sinful nature of girls and especially boys. The days of the Greatest Generation in which a boy took a girl out to a movie and hoped only to hold her hand are *over*—long over. I would n-e-v-e-r allow my daughter to be in such a position that you describe with a boy. If there is one thing that dating as you describe would sacrifice it would be purity. Like I said, I acknowledge some of faulty ideas of “courtship,” but your replacement has its own set of real world damage. Please re-read your statement, “Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.” Are you kidding?! Let them go out into the *world* to meet *godly* men? (1 John 2:16) They aren’t there. You want your daughter to catch a good fish, but they must fish in the right pond, not the cesspool of “the world.” Then, you pray for them as they go?! It you the parent’s job to protect and guide them. Though I can understand your problem with courtship, this is some of the worst advice on the subject I have ever heard.
I believe you’re taking the modern definition of “dating” and applying it to the statements the author made about “traditional dating” and thus getting confused. What causes all the sexual whatnot in today’s culture is the exclusivity of relationships. But in traditional dating there was no exclusivity and thus temptation would be highly reduced.
As for daughters staying at home to find Godly men I suggest you think about what you’re proposing. No doubt a woman may find Godly men by staying at home. Problem is they would all be relatives of hers.
If you want to actually meet people whom you can marry you need to actually leave the physical location of your home.
Also if a woman isn’t mature enough to live on her own why would a guy want to marry her?
I definitely agree that courtship is not the way to go if you actually want to have a shot at marriage. Also, I do think that the definition of “dating” has changed over the years. When you’re “dating” someone nowadays, it’s almost like they belong to each other, and some people “date” just so they can have the label of boyfriend/girlfriend slapped on them (I had a girlfriend in high school who did this).
Back on the topic of courtship, I know several people who are a few years older than me that tried it and never got anywhere. When they were in high school, they wanted to court girls instead of date them. One of my friends had feelings for several different girls over the course of several years, and they all ended up moving away or getting married to other guys before he ever thought about “asking them out.” Courtship wastes youth, which is the best time to get to know people. I actually instituted several of the “courtship rules/guidelines” in my dating life, although I only ever dated one girl at a time. Some of the ideas behind courtship (in the “So what is courtship anyway?” header above) were good for me, and i think good for most (if not all) to institute in dating lives, for those people who feel weird about “dating” more than one person at a time:
1) rules about physical contact and sexual purity;
2) the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry;
3) high accountability (didn’t do chaperons, but some people might want to.
After a huge relationship failed in high school, I decided to tell these dating rules to my first potential girlfriend in college, and she agreed with them. Now we are happily married for over a year. Courtship itself, in my opinion, is not fundamentally flawed, but some/most people who institute it are more focused on following courtship “laws” than actually getting to know people, in my humble opinion. As I said earlier, courtship definitely has some good things to take into your dating life.
While I feel like your argument is on the right track, I think you are missing a fundamental aspect to guy/girl relationships: friendship. I personally feel that Christian culture has too long put a taboo on guys and girls being friends and just hanging out, without the pressure of eventual marriage somewhere in the mix. I believe that getting to know members of the opposite gender purely in a dating context is dangerous. Dating in and of itself has pressures and connotations: always wanting to be on your best behavior, look your best, trying to impress the other person, etc. Fear of rejection can become to ruling force; there is something to lose by being known. The consequent relationship that develops is superficial and guarded. Starting on a friendship level, on the other hand, removes pressure and fosters an open, accepting environment, where there is everything to gain by being known. My friends, male and female alike, are the ones who see me at my worst and still love me. They celebrate with me and cry with me and handle angry outbursts or just hang out with me for hours. Eventually, I feel that, if I do end up married, the “one” will be someone who has been my friend for a long time, who knows me well -good, bad, and ugly- and still manages to fall in love with me. Yet that is not the goal of any one of my relationships.
One other thing I wanted to address is the “asking her father permission” being a deterrent for a man to date a woman. Though I do believe that a woman in her twenties should absolutely have the autonomy and confidence to make her own decision when it comes to dating, there is a lot to be said for a woman who respects her father’s opinions of the men in her life. Though I would never tell someone I couldn’t go on a date with them until I know my father says it’s okay, I would go to my parents and ask their opinion of a man I was considering dating. Fathers can have a lot of insight into the character of men interested in their daughters, and, if they have a healthy love for their daughters, will be able to articulate the reasons for or against the chosen man. On top of that, I feel that a man who sees that a woman respects her father would be able to correlate that to her eventually respecting him and accepting his protection of her.
Great information. Looking back at my life thus far, I confirm the “courting mentality” as a flawed system. It sets up an unreachable precedent and idolizes marriage. I am a single male in college with some baggage from 2 serious relationships. I have been single for the last 3 years, one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Another point I would add is the mentality it sets up for teenagers. Courtship creates a sense of arrogance that takes years to overcome. In order to marry someone, you have to have “your standards” because it is “your marriage.” Traditionally, these thoughts occur before true responsibility has set it. Not to mention they contradict a loving attitude. Love sacrifices self, unlike pride.
“Dating,” though unknown territory for me yet, seems to be the more logical and factual road to take.
I disagree with your point of not asking the father to date and to move on to some other girl if that is the case. The guy who does that is a coward and not worthy. Your daughter is precious to you and you don’t want some idiot going out with your daughter. Its the father’s duty to protect her. This is why i believe its best to be friends first that way you truly know the person and the parents get to know him as well, so there are no surprises. That way if the father does reject him he can have good reason cause he knows his character.
I believe the heart behind both of your comments is correct. It is possible the girls father is not controlling but rather the girl feels she is simply being respectful. It would be a shame to leave behind a healthy potential mate over an assumption or judgment. Moving on may be fine or right, but not based on assumption or judgment. Hopefully he’s man enough to find out before perhaps moving on.
My dad did not impose the asking him before a date rule…I did. I knew I didn’t always make the best decisions as a teen when emotions got involved, so in order to protect myself I would ask the guy to ask my dad for permission first so my dad could get to know him. If he said he didn’t want to ask my dad, then I respectfully declined the date. I wanted someone who respected my wishes and my dad. The guy who did finally ask my dad for an opportunity to date me appreciated my respect for my dad.
I didn’t need to date a lot of guys to know what I wanted in a husband. I figured it out by hanging out with guys. In junior high and high school I preferred the company of guys so I hung out with a lot of them. I only dated one and we have happily married for over 22 years and are still dating, flirting and enjoying each other.
We have discussion with our teenagers all the time about dating and marriage. I think you need to have an open conversation going with your kids about this so that it’s not about rules, but them wanting to please God in their relationships. My kids have chosen not to be in relationships right now but to thoroughly enjoy being teens with a lots of friends of both genders.
This is a great article! Really enjoyed reading this! I think a good follow-up piece would be something that would answer the question of how to go from dating to going steady. Being a 24 year old male, I would be interested in reading more of that topic- especially after reading this piece!
So something didn’t bring about a utopia after half a generation of experimenting therefore the original intentions were bad and we better just do things like the world, grandma said so? Your view of the world is very limited as is your view of history. Fixing the selfish fools that pass for Christians these days is a multigenerational problem. It took hundreds of years to build this culture and even a few decades of stupid to destroy it. It is going to take a long time to rebuild, and no scientifically derived system is going to make up for the serious flaws in character that make up our culture in and out of the Church. Wisdom isn’t following formulas or programs, it’s the hard work of applying truth to your situation. This over reaction to something poorly attempted is a joke. It’s very much like, “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting it has been found difficult and left untried.” G. K. Chesterton
I love it, there is no definition of courtship but we are still free to attack it. It’s right up there with “”It looked not so much as if Christianity was bad enough to include any vices, but rather as if any stick was good enough to beat Christianity with.” Again from Chesterton.
Seriously? The poor men have been rejected by a dozen fathers? Oh no! Why don’t you grow a pair and do a study of biblical or even historical masculinity. Hint: it appears nowhere in this blog.
I love your worship of pragmatism, statistics, American individualism, fun and salvation by the perfect marriage. Try thinking biblically about every area of life next time.
Greatest Generation haha they brought us the 60’s, I say that disqualifies them. It’s kind of like evaluating a false prophet.
The only thing worse than this article are the inane cheerleading comments.
Gosh if only I were as enlightened and humble as thee. Do you have a 5 step plan for that?
This is the best article I’ve ever read when it comes to the issues with courting. In the past, courtship has been instituted in my family and ever since I was allowed to court when I turned eighteen, I have disliked it very much because every guy who has asked to date me made it feel more like a marriage proposal and I couldn’t get to know anyone else. I love the idea that your grandma had about dating. It seems so easy. I wish it were that easy now. This articles changed my whole perspective and thanks very much for the read.
I appreciate your observations. I like Grandma’s way of dating, but how do you change today’s culture? I remember even during my own childhood, 20 yrs ago not quite as long ago as Grandma’s childhood, that “will you go out with me?” meant “will you be mine?” There may not have even been an outing involved. Although I don’t know for sure, I think that is true today. I am in favor of courting because of that, but not to the full of extent that is meant by that word. I will give consideration to your words. Thanks for sharing!
I will keep my comments brief. I am a product of my mother dating a boy she went to church with almost 50 years ago when he decided no didn’t really mean no. I am a preacher’s daughter that was allowed to only date boys I went to church with and it was a disaster. We chose courting for our children and we couldn’t be more pleased. My husband is not a control freak, he is a loving father that wants to make sure that our daughters will be cherished like he cherishes me. He wants a godly man that didn’t try on a dozen girls before he came to our daughters. Our oldest is happily married to a man that waited for her like she waited for him. My 3rd grandbaby is due any day. If you truly submit your life to His will then we rewards the pure choices we make. I couldn’t disagree more this article. Don’t listen to the world and decide that being like everyone else is the way to do things. “Be ye set apart as I am set apart.” That is what God has to say about our life!!
Very helpful. Thank you.
How do we change the culture in our youth groups: if two go out on a date, it is assumed they are a couple and the group embraces or rejects them as a couple. In this environment, there is not acceptance of traditional dating since he would be considered a player for also going out with another girl and cat-fights would ensue. In high school and college, I chose traditional dating (although I just called it freedom) because I wasn’t dating to marry, just to have fun, so I dated guys I wouldn’t mistake for “the one”, non-christians. I wanted to finish school before I got into a relationship. God intervened in my life and I met and married my husband after my first year of college, 21 years ago. I’ve shared my experience but it doesn’t translate well to a youth group that functions as a family. How do you date your “brothers and sisters”?
The Bible says that we need wisdom, not a model. A model, whether courtship or traditional dating, will always fail people. In the article, I love the references to making God known in every tribe and grace being the power of God to do his will!
I love this article. I have a seventeen year old daughter who just isn’t all that interested in dating at moment, she says she has other concerns at moment, like her schooling, and I haven’t cried over that. 🙂 Having said that, I am not at all opposed to her dating. I will make one objection to your advice to boys. A young man does not need my or her dad’s permission per se to date her, however, I do expect the young man to come to the door and yes, meet the family. He doesn’t have to fill a out a questionnaire, he doesn’t have to declare his undying devotion, but he should be man enough to meet her father and look the man in the eye before taking my daughter out. That’s it. Just meet the family. If they start to date exclusively, then he can expect an invitation to dinner- but still not an inquisition. 😀
I reacted negatively to the title of this article when I first saw it; than I read it, and realized it was really good (although I will most definitely NOT encourage my middle school age children to date in any definition of the word!!!). I bought into the courtship concept hook line and sinker as a teenager. Over the years, however, my idea of what seemed an “ideal courtship” shifted and evolved until I determined that “courtship” (as opposed to “dating” as typically seen in our culture today) is merely the determination to pursue relationships with a marriage-goal focus. Yes, get to know a wide range of people, starting as a child & teenager – but keep them casual friendships, guarding your heart as you take mental notes on what you need and want to look for in a spouse. When you are at a place in age/life where marriage is an option, be ok with starting a more serious relationship with someone who seems like marriage material – but maintain a commitment to remain pure (physically & emotionally) until marriage. I heard once that “a successful courtship sometimes ends with breaking up” since the whole point of courting is to determine if this is someone that you can and should marry. Of course, once you know you can’t/shouldn’t/won’t marry that person, end the relationship (at least in a romantic sense) immediately.
Most of all, pray, seek & follow God’s leading. Every great romance looks different, and He leads different people different ways in finding their spouses.
That’s my 2 cents, coming nearly 20 years after first hearing about courtship. And yes, for the record, my husband and I spent time alone during our dating/courting and engagement stages – our dates were never chaperoned (we were 29 & 26 at the time)! We did, however make a point to spend quite a bit of time with each others families – there is truth to the saying that you marry their whole family! I also personally really appreciate that he asked my dad’s blessing before ever pursuing me (and again before proposing!) but I understand not everyone is ok with that.
I agree so much with this article! I did not grow up in a courtship system but it was very popular with my peers and I knew a lot of people in that system. My only concern in the article is where it suggests that young men should move on to more “normal families” if the girl wants her dad to talk to him before dating. My husband does not want to be a dictator but he does want to know who our girls (3 of them!) are dating when the time comes. I think it can be handled very kindly and non-threateningly (no threat of impending marriage or violence to the young man) and, in fact, could create a great male role model for the young man that he may not have previously had. Just because a dad wants to meet and get to know a guy his daughter is dating does not mean the young man needs to move on.
I agree here too, just because a girl says it has to go through her dad doesn’t mean the family is completely off their rockers. It means that we would like to get to know who our children are dating. As mentioned in my comment below, we allowed our son to date; the first girl we met and spend time with but she didn’t meld and interact with our family, the second girl we didn’t meet at all and he realized they were heading in different directs. He at that point was considered an adult and can make his own decisions. Our daughter can make her own decisions as well, but is still considered her earthly father’s responsibility. We won’t dictate but we do want relationships with who they are dating so that we can help if they need it. If we dont’ know them then we can give proper insight.
As a 21 year old guy who is in his senior year of college, I found this article rather refreshing and such a relief that I wasn’t the only one out there that saw courtship as a locked in commitment that could cause lots of problems.
Due to my outgoing personality and my friendliness, I have been termed a player and a ladies man by some. Usually guys are the ones who say this about me. This has brought up issues that I didn’t want to cause of the natural tendency for a girl to gravitate to a guy who makes her feel special.
The big thing here from the OP is that both the male and female need to be mature adults for this dating idea that he proposes. I have been told I’m a mature young adult (which I think is in error) so I have allowed myself to be that nice guy who loves everyone and a lot of times seems “interested” in a girl simply because I’m being that brother in Christ and just being nice, attentive, and having good a conversation with a girl. I simply want to be good friends and enjoy their company.
This then leads to ideas of what several people have brought up of stealing the heart of someone else with no intent to keep it. I honestly don’t mean to do this but many girls are too immature to understand that I’m just that brother in Christ who loves people and wants to help them and be there for them.
Could this be deemed wrong? I don’t know and I struggle with trying to distinguish who is mature enough for that deep sibling love in Christ that I want to have with them.
As to asking a girls dad or parents about taking her out, I think it’s based on the maturity level and where both parties are in their lives. As many many people have said, if a girl is out of the house then it’s her decision and I agree. If she is at home and submitting to her parents authority, I think that it still should be her decision but she needs to first ask them and if the parents want to meet the guy and make sure he will be a good friend, then introductions can be made.
Once again, a well written article Thomas and thanks for clarifying what has been stewing in my mind for awhile now.
One thing I forgot to mention was that being prepared I think is based on the person. I have tried to stand by the idea that I should be out of college and being able to provide for a family before I get married. Now this is my plan and God could have a different plan for me so I just pray and seek Him and keep my eyes open. This is not to say that I won’t go and get to know people but my personality is to be prepared to cross a bridge before crossing it.
I might be in the minority here, but I don’t think you can “steal” a heart and a few cases of a broken heart are good for women in the long run. Girls have to go through a process of learning what is real love and what kind of guy is really good for them. It is normal for girls to fantasize about guys they find attractive, and have “crushes”. Your responsibility is to just be clear about what the relationship is, where boundaries are, and NEVER try to take advantage of them physically because of their feelings for you. I suspect 99% of “stolen hearts” are really other liberties taken that should not have been.
Thank you for such a heartfelt article on this often misinterpreted subject. We homeschool as well 😀 We have set forth in our family the art of Courtship, although we realize each of our children are different and will experience different things, but I will bring this up with my husband and see what needs to be tweeked. We let our oldest son date in HS and it broke his heart more than once. He has felt God’s leading to wait a year before dating again. Our oldest is 21 and felt God told her to wait on Dating and that is what she has done, but recently she has experienced two of her friends getting married, one who dated others and one who met and dated one. We shall see the outcome. I believe her obedience will be rewarded! God is a lot bigger than we are and has a plan, he will bring her her man 😀
Wonderful insightful article! Our 18 y.o. daughter emailed this to us to read. We are a homeschool family and as parents we have struggled much with the dating/courtship issue. Your article is a blessing as it has allowed for some good discussion and clarification. Great website too. Our homeschool community has a strong courtship following an I have forwarded the article onto our homeschool lists and facebook.
Re: first tweetable. The greatest generation gave us the elected officials that nominated men to judgeships that gave us abortion on demand. I question looking to them for guidance.
From an old geezer curmudgeon who let his daughter and son date.
Excellent article! Our family tried courting system with our oldest child with poor results. When boy/girl relationships are denied teens tend to rebel and sneak. When courtship is done too early it tends took stunt individual growth. The “Greatest Generation” concept of dating blends the best of both worlds. However, our family prefers to hold off dating in any form until high school (preferably college-although none of our boys held dating off till college). We feel teens need to work through the major development issues before taking on relationships with the opposite sex. We tell them that the teen years are for focusing on becoming the man God wants you to be (character, education, special interests, deepen faith). Focusing on girls distracts you from your goals. When they get closer to marriage age that is the age to keep focusing on dreams, but start to look for the woman who can share those dreams with.