Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
Hi!
Thanks for writing this article and the research, thought and prayer that went into it! I had never heard the “only rule is you can’t go out with the same guy twice in a row”… That is so fun! and wise. I think part of the issue is a backlash from what seemed like parents who were too removed from supervising and giving input into their kids’ process leading to marriage. I know I had very little guidance or input in the 80s when I was “going out” “going steady” etc… And then there is the phenomenon of “living together” which Christian parents want their kids to avoid…seeing marriage as a commitment to a “life mate”. I also do see an interesting trend that seems like parenting out of fear. Fear based on seeing all the train wrecks around us, but also a fear of impact on our own reputation as parents or community members. Nobody wants to be “that parent” who has a disaster kid or situation because we see it as a parenting failure. But God is bigger than our parenting and if we continue to love our kids, desire their best and be open to giving them freedoms along with staying involved in their lives, they will see that we genuinely care about them, want the best for their futures and want them prepared to interact with the world and the variety of people and perspectives in today’s world. I have three teens/young adults and a Christian husband of 26 years. I would like to see kids enjoying their teen experience, knowing that God is good, loves them and will help them make godly decisions, and parents trusting God and not moving over into parenting out of fear or self/reputation protection which is not sourced in a love for their kids or trust in God. Thanks again for posting!! ;oD
Ugh! I was one who was affected by that wretched book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Thankfully I wised up after a couple years.
Your article is spot on. Your observations are great. I don’t want to imply that there is a formula that works for everyone, but I absolutely do want to convey that people who do want to date should not be shamed for it. We as people generally fall into legalistic behavior when we begin to believe that, (in situations of non-absolutes), “Our way is the only way.”
For those against the points in this article, I would say that the decision to date does not mean you throw your morals out the window! It doesn’t mean you date any guy who comes along. You have the rightful ability to say, “No thank you.”
I’m so thankful that I dated. I married an amazing man – God’s gift to me. Had I not done traditional dating, I would have ended up with a guy who is a wonderful man to this day, but not wonderful for me. In dating I discovered the best fit for my personality.
The one item I would like to present as food for thought is the idea that getting married young should not be pushed heavily. People change a LOT throughout their 20’s. I consider it a huge gift that my Love didn’t find me until I was 27. I had an amazing opportunity to learn and study and develop my life path. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I have friends who were married young and have struggled in their marriages as both partners began to change interests and opinions over the next few years. Hopefully we all change and grow as the years go by, but the mid-20’s seem to be a particular time of heavy personality growth.
Ladies, if you find love at a young age, then so be it; but if not, remember to relax! Don’t fret about your age! Your time WILL come. It will.
I can agree on some points and disagree on some points. The most concerning point though was this one…
{If she says you need to talk to her dad first, just move on to the next girl. Don’t let the fact that some women have controlling fathers keep you from dating the girls with more normal families. There are a lot of fish in the sea and some dads are nicer than others. Remember that this man would have become your father-in-law, and controlling people tend to control everything they can. So avoiding women with those kinds of fathers can save you a lot of heartache down the road.}
How about this one instead….If the girl you want to ask out is young enough to have a father BIBLICALLY responsible for her welfare and you don’t like it when he takes that God given responsibility seriously, then you are NOT the one God has in mind for her. So please DO move on.
Especially in this day and age I would say it is negligent on the part of a parent to just let their daughters go somewhere alone with a man who has not even enough respect for the girl to talk with her dad. A Godly man would respect that. And maybe if more fathers took that responsibility seriously it would become “normal”. IF abdicating that responsibility is “normal” then I’m glad we’re weird!
i appreciated this article and hope it is passed around to those who follow this courtship model. about a year ago i read a post written by a homeschool girl who equated those who dated with harlots!! i was shocked and of course made a comment. needless to say, she was of the courtship persuasion. i had met her and found her to be very normal otherwise.
i think she just needed a dose of your grandmother. evidently, she had never been exposed to those of us who dated for fun and as a precursor to going steady/engagement. i agree with your grandmother. dating helps you figure out what you are looking for. it isn’t until you are one on one with someone that you know what makes them tick.
back in the day (60’s) we didn’t feel the need to be so involved sexually like kids are today at such an early stage. a girl who went to bed with a man on a first date was considered to be cheap back then. today it is portrayed in movies and on TV as something normal! ugh!
of course, our christian standards would be different…or we would hope so, but it is often surprising to me how many christians live together b/f marriage now. i digress.
i was interested to read your stats on courtship. i wasn’t aware of them…but am not surprised. thanks for the article. very helpful.
This was an interesting read! While I don’t agree with everything he says, I love the open dialogue and the real look at real “problems”…and no matter what you call it – “Courtship” or “Dating,” I think it’s more about the principle of it all….Two main things that always bothered me was there was no safe way to encourage healthy friendships/relationships with the opposite sex AND if you were in a relationship, physical touch was so “wrong” that abstinence became more glorified than sex. Those two make for a bad combination.
I have too many friends who married young, not fully knowing their spouses, not knowing how to just be in a deep friendship with them, and definitely not having a healthy view of sex. There has to be a balance!
My concern with articles like this is people blame something, someone or some system for their sin rather recognizing sin is the issue.
the rest of my thoughts here: http://mrsscottlapierre.blogspot.com/2014/08/why-you-are-fundamentally-flawed.html
Good post you did there. I really agree with personality compatibility being a poor basis for a marriage.
As a Professional Counselor, a believer, and a woman passionate about healthy relationships, I have to say, I am SO thankful for the gentle truth in this article. I recently wrote a “pro-dating” book just for this very reason. My book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide for Finding the Love of Your Life http://amzn.to/1a4NWWK, and website are dedicated to this entire ministry: that there is a healthy, practical, God-honoring way to do dating. Interacting with the opposite sex is such an important process of “growing up”, and something that many believers “skip-over” out of fear- rather than faith. Courtship is not, and has never been the answer….the answer is learning to become healthy and whole as an individual, all while learning to interact with the opposite sex in a healthy, mature, and meaningful way. We can bring glory to God in all that we do, and I truly believe dating can be part of that equation. Thanks for this piece. Blessings to you!
Not a big fan of the “girls learn their league” comment. The further out you are from high school, the less leagues and superficial things matter. What a terrible message to suggest that you aren’t going to be good enough for some people. There are many adults who don’t think that way. Don’t feel like you are stuck in whatever “league” you think you fall in.
Here is an article about the benefits of forgetting about the whole idea of “leagues” for people:
http://www.theminglemaster.com/blog/mingle-tip-55-dont-be-a-respecter-of-looks-or-leagues
Thank you for starting this thoughtful conversation about this challenging issue.
I am the parent of 4 homeschooled adults who are all unmarried. Yes, courtship is the model we were working toward, and it’s true, the model does not seem to be working.
On the other hand, I look around at non-courtship-model singles who are also not interested in marriage, and I realize there is a bigger picture, but I don’t know what it is. Wish I could pinpoint why adults in their 20s and 30s are not marrying — nor looking for mates — why they seem to be perfectly happy with their I-pads, smart phones, video games, twitter accounts… and not really into one-on-one relationships. It’s a real puzzle.
As for your comment, “the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation,” I’m not sure that’s true, either. My generation had lots of teens who dated different people every week… and then the girls didn’t know who the father of their child was. I dated, and guys always tried to get physical on the first date. Since the guy spent the money on the girl to take her out, it was expected the girl would say “thank you” by giving physical favors. This was common in the late 60s and early 70s in the area where I lived.
My husband and I thought courtship would limit such things; at least it was our hope to protect purity in this way. The goal for us has always been to encourage godly behavior in healthy relationships. Now, one of our sons is doing “committed dating” instead of courtship, and he is doing an amazing job of it. We have no problem with that. He and his girlfriend have set boundaries for themselves that we consider exemplary.
He did speak to his girlfriend’s dad before committing to dating her exclusively. He believed it was a courtesy that should be extended to a father, not only because Dad is by nature of his position head of the family, but because he raised her, provided for her, protected her, and prayed for her for 27 years.
You made the statement, “If she says you need to talk to her dad first, just move on to the next girl.” I find that a remarkable lack of courtesy. Even back in my day, dates talked to the girls’ dads. There were always some dads who were “over protective” and others who didn’t care, but a wise date always tried to look Dad in the eye and promise to get his daughter home on time and in good condition.
One of our daughters is now in her 30s, and she asked her last date to talk with her dad when he started thinking about a deeper relationship, not because we had a rule but because she wanted to know if he would respect her. My husband thanked the man for the courtesy, and my daughter respected the man more because of it, too.
So should we toss out the courtship model? I don’t know; it did work great for some people, namely all the kids who grew up in the house behind us.
My personal belief is that friendship is the best foundation for a good courtship, and for a good marriage. In fact, I don’t think anyone should begin a courtship (or go steady) without a good strong godly friendship already in place. The respect of a godly friendship can help with lots of issues that couples face and can be the edge that will give them success.
Just so you know, my husband and I did not date each other — we were tired of that scene. We built a friendship, and then discovered we were so compatible that we figured God must have meant us for each other. We’ve been married for 35 years now.
No, it hasn’t been easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Yes, if we were not big on commitment, we could have divorced several times already – or pushed each other off a cliff. Yes, we believe God’s work in our lives and home has been the glue that has kept us together, and for one specific reason — His glory.
The tentacles of flaccid commitment extend everywhere, whether we like to acknowledge that or not. Some couples just aren’t going to stay married, whether they used courtship or dated, whether they were home tutored or traditionally schooled, whether they are Christian or secular. They just can’t keep the commitment — not the commitment to stay married, or to submit, or to love, or to be kind to one another, etc.
The truth is, there is no sure formula for finding a good mate, or for staying married. We are flawed individuals, and everything we think up is inherently imperfect. It’s a scary prospect to look ahead at the rest of one’s life and wonder if a marriage will last.
The best we can do is get serious about following Christ. And when He points out a potential life-partner for the purpose of serving Him better, get to know that person… for His glory.
I completely agree with this comment. I appreciate it because I relate.
I guess that was a pat on the back too!
As a 20-year-old, Christian homeschool graduate, involved in a 2 years old, committed courtship/dating hybrid relationship (how else do I explain that?), there were some things I really agreed with in the article, some things not so much.
In my own experience, I think a little awkwardness in relationships is not only normal, but sort of necessary. We cannot totally eliminate any hardship, risk, or awkwardness from dating/courting, because life is hard, risky, and awkward. We can try to make it as smooth as we are able, but gosh, our hormones are raging and are nerves are on edge, and heck yeah, going on a first date is going to be scary! But that’s okay! Because that’s life. If you remove that from romance, where’s the fun in that?
I think a lot of things depend on personality, too. I know that I could not personally handle going out with multiple guys at once. I tend to be very introverted, making deep emotional connections very easily, and to do that with five guys at once would give me a nervous breakdown. However, if I slowly get to know a single person in a safe atmosphere, there is more trust and safety for me.
Also, the dad thing. I agree that parents should let their adult daughters make their own decisions (while giving wise counsel). But to say that a guy should pass over a girl who wants her dad’s blessing gives me bad vibes. In my experience, my boyfriend (yes, we use those words) and I got to know each other in a non-date setting for about a month and a half before he asked me on an official date. When he did, I said I’d love to, but I wanted him to ask my dad for permission first. I wanted my parents to be on board and approving of this guy, because I respect their opinions and experiences. If my guy had said “well, I’m not going through the awkwardness of asking your dad; so sorry, but I’ll be on my way,” that would’ve shown me that this guy didn’t care enough about me to go through a little awkwardness to be with me, that in his mind I wasn’t worth fighting for, working hard for. I have no respect for guys who have no respect for anyone besides themselves.
Fortunately, he did ask my dad, and the rest is history! I know everyone is different, with different personalities, backgrounds, and philosophies. And I think that’s the point: courtship, or whatever you choose to call it, can’t be cookie-cutter. I think that’s the fundamental flaw in courtship, not the institution itself, but the way it becomes legalism. That should never be the goal.
I LOVE this! I grew up in a home that preferred that they meet the guy before I dated him- I was also homeschooled.
It always bugged me that I didn’t really have many opportunities to get to know what guys my age were like.
The never date the same guy twice in a row rule sounds brilliant! Wonder what their rules were about what was required before you “went steady”?
What do you think about dating lots of folks, but only once you’re almost old enough to marry, where if you do find a keeper, you have time to date steadily for a few months and be engaged and end up ready to marry by at least the middle of that process?
I will only warn you that dating the way he suggests will lead to constant heartbreak and lifelong regrets for many, if not most, women. His grandmother sounds like an extreme exception to me. Most women can easily find a lifelong spouse with way fewer than 30 different men dated! (I started dating in middle school. DISASTER.)
Dating recreationally is using someone else for your own fun. Using people is not a great way to embark on the path to marriage, which is about learning to love unconditionally, like Christ.
However, I have to also agree with the previous commentater, Hannah. Had a guy told me he would not consent to meeting my folks before dating me I would have been very wary- “What do you have to hide?”
Ps- my husband has always told me that I was worth going through my controlling father for 😛
And on another note- there IS a such thing as being TOO controlling.
I believe the parent should atleast meet the guy that is taking their daughter out for a soda- scope him out, if he feels like sleeze than advise daughter accordingly- give her a cell and money for a cab home just in case too.
But also bear in mind that unless this guy starts coming around a lot more regularly- he may just be interested in seeing what she is like.
I met my husband through a “courtship” of sorts and I have been involved in overseeing several courtships. I think what we called “courtship”, though, was what you call “going steady”, and it worked out pretty well. We weren’t following some sort of formula, just trying to avoid some modern pitfalls. We’re all still happily married many years later.
I have watched other families react to casual dating and fall into the ditch on the other side of the road, though. I’ve seen many of the things in this article happen. I know a lot of young people in churches where “courtship” is popular end up hiding the fact they are dating to avoid the pressure. This, of course, is worse than normal dating because they are going out of their way to be alone, and they can’t ask for relational advice.
One thing I disagree with in the article. You give young men the advice that if the daughter tells the boy to ask for her father’s permission, he should just move on! I’m so glad my husband didn’t take that advice. Yes, my dad was very controlling. But, you know, once we were married my dad no longer had any sway. My husband simply told my dad, “I’m the spiritual leader, now. I value your opinion, but I’m doing things my own way.” My dad’s control was then removed. I feel sorry for those poor girls who are left just because their dad would be hard to get along with for a short time. Seems very short sighted. And, of course, most father’s just want to give their permission out of concerned and really aren’t that controlling, anyway. Honestly, I think you are reacting a little to the courtship reaction. Just a little, though.
I just wanted to add. If you do write a book, I would recommend recounting the good that is coming out of the courtship model and the bad that has come from loose modern dating. In this way, your readers won’t be tempted to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
I don’t personally have an issue with either courting or dating. The only thing I don’t understand is how in todays society, dating is so often referenced as if it were a grocery store. Sorry to be harsh, but being a younger generation woman, I do see and here about the traversing of men and women from one relationship to the next (not necessarily having sex) feeding off the idea that one date with one person and a date with another isn’t gonna take a piece of SOMEONE’S heart. Sure, you may not marry the first person you go out with, but rather than “dating,” why not be friends first? So many SUCCESSFUL marriages are due to the “simple” fact of marrying your beat friend. Soooo many people jump into any sort of relationship so quickly, even if it’s one date. Get to know each other, be friends first, than if that doesn’t kill you, than take your time considering if you want that the rest of your life. Time has a HUGE affect on any relationship, friends or otherwise. Honesty/communication also has large hand in the success of any relationship, even that between a person and their parents. Before you get in a relationship, be upfront about what you want at this time in your life, and let time soften your heart if the Lord wants you and that other to come closer.
Don’t let relationships be a “meat market” taking a little bit here and there than throwing it out. It’s more damaging than you may think. Be a friend and brother/sister in Christ before moving forward in a relationship.
Above ALL else, strengthen your foundation in Christ and encourage theirs more than anything. 😉
I disagree with this perspective. Probably because it contradicts my own.
I do think the Joshua Harris Model left us with no replacement. Fathers took it upon themselves to do what they saw fit. There were overbearing fathers in every generation though.
What happened to young men with gumption? Again, if the father is legalistic, then i understand why one might hesitate. But young women following their father’s direction could make good wives, keeping the Biblical model of submission (which is another out of favor practice.)
The greatest generation gave us the boomers who brought in divorce on demand, recreational romance and worse. They also gave us the children who believed in free love. Forgive me for not giving the standard exaultation, but I don’t want to give them credit for our social standards considering their failures.
My family is riddled with divorce from recreational dating; however, that doesn’t consitute a data set like Thomas does with his “experience” of the divorce of his fellow homeschoolers.
The truth is that if you do anything with legalism, then that is the problem. Courtship with legalism, believing that you are doing it perfectly, will only set you up for failure. This is true for ever aspect of life. It doesn’t undermine the good of courtship.
Furthermore, it seems like modern psychology to blame these divorces and the state of singleness on the parents. Really? We shouldn’t go down that road again.
The pats on the back throughout the comments tend to reinforce the idea that people are looking for an excuse to a) date recreationally b) avoid the friendship, courtship, engagement pathway to marriage.
First off I would like to say I love this blog! This was very insightful, however, I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. I think throwing someone into a world of dating who has only grown up in a culture of courtship, may bring along with it more issues than he/she can handle. So I believe that there can be more balance respectfully. There are a lot of guys/gals out there who are “Godly” but turn out to be quite the opposite. How are they to know that? I think a healthy balance would be what normal Christian people do. We don’t date, we don’t court, we do both. Try Traditional dating where there is no exclusivity, and when God brings “The One” ask her father for her hand. If you have a bigger family know that every child is not the same and some may do well with the balanced system as some may want more commitment. The ones who may want more commitment may do well with the courtship avenue which the parent should be open to as well. I dated through High School but wanted the commitment. I wish I had a father who could help me with the courtship avenue. I want to preface that with “I have a gorgeous wife and have no need for a matchmaker” however our approach was a bit more balanced. A cross between Traditional Dating and Courtship. This blog has helped me realize that I can do better as a husband in the area of dating my wife more. Thanks for the perspective my friend.
There are some really good points in this article.
Honestly, I was trying to avoid reading it as I knew I may disagree and had other places to put my emotional energy. I also do not want to be divisive. But then someone I care about asked me, and I felt compelled to read and respond. Below, you will see a link to my blogpost response.
However, my teen son pointed out it would be hard to pin divorce on courtship. No matter what road you take to get married, you still have a choice when it comes to divorce. What are the reasons these folks are choosing divorce? Is it a Bibically mandated reason?
I suspect we are alike in our goal: to raise godly young people who serve the Lord better together than apart. I suspect we both think there should be parental and other godly influences and cousnsel. I also think that perhaps you are looking at one style of courtship. I’m also concerned that you are proving your point by your own experience. You may use that concern about my own blogpost, I know.
While I heartily want to avoid an argument, I would like folks to consider some other points before making their decision.
Knowing we are both seeking to encourage young people to seek the Lord, and to live for Him, I am glad that the Lord can show each family what is best for them!
http://encouragementexchange.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/so-whats-not-to-like-about-courtship/
If you choose not to publish my comments, so offense taken!
Guilty of promoting courtship over dating! I dated in the 70’s and most of my high school friends were having sex with whomever they were dating. I wanted to protect my son from that particular mentality. He is a 21 year old college student due to graduate next year. He has no money and a small, part-time job. Based on this, I don’t see that he’s ready for marriage. But more importantly, he still struggles with “anger issues” (his father died when he was 15) and continues to show immature judgement when making decisions at school. His first date in college was with a “courtship” girl who seemed to be in every way, perfect! He totally fell for her and so did I. We met her parents and got along beautifully. But she changed her mind 6 months later (I could see it coming) and my son was devastated. She was totally beautiful – but I’m still not sure that my son is emotionally mature enough. He has dated a couple of girls from school since then. I’m not sure how to help/encourage him in this process now?? Theology of the Body comes to mind… Do you think that fits courtship or dating?
Courtship is actually not in the Bible. If you recall your medieval studies, the jester was to fool the king for entertainment, his “courtier” so to speak. This Webster’s Dictionary’s definition reads as this: 1) “A man who attends or frequents the courts of princes. 2) One who courts or solicits the favor of another; one who flatters to please; one who possesses the art of gaining favor by address and complaisance.”
Courtship is a type of foolishness to entertain an idea. However, if you consider the term, “betroth,” which is found in Scripture 4 times (Deut. 28:30, Hos. 2:19 twice, and Hos. 2:20,) this is closer to what folks today think the term “courtship” is. Notice that in the Webster’s Dictionary, “betroth” is read to mean: “To contract to any one, in order to a future marriage; to promise or pledge one to be the future spouse of another; to affiance; used of either sex. ‘The father BETROTHS his daughter.’ ” This is a contract between the parents concerning the children involved. If you want to seek God’s favor upon your spouse, should He desire for you to have one, then seek HIS face. As a woman, there are many Scriptures which teach that you are to with “shamefacedness” as found in 1 Timothy 2:9 This does not mean that you would not notice gentlemen, but that you remain “bashful” in their presence. Seek God for your answer. Pray, asking for Him to BRING TO YOU the man for whom He created you. In the meantime, seek how you are to serve Him. Many times in Scripture you will find that the sons were to “take” themselves women to wife and that the daughters were the ones “taken” to become wives. Yes, there are those exceptions, as in many things. But in order to find God’s desire for you, you need to diligently seek God’s face. He knows for whom He created you to complete. Leave it with Him and you will be blessed beyond measure. Avoid today’s terms and with them, you will avoid today’s problematic issues. With God, you will always know that you have what He intended for you to have, single or married, and with that, all issues are now in the light of His love for you. No one on earth knows for whom you were created other than the Creator Himself. Simple answer, but the results will astound you. I wish you God’s peace in this matter, His richest blessings, and may your table be always full of the necessities of life, friends, and happiness!
Partly agree. Parents are too often prone to thinking of courtship as some sort of magic bullet that will solve all their problems, but this is a tough challenge in our complex society.
While we haven’t yet had as much experience in this area as one might expect with 9 teenagers, we’ve had enough to know there has to be some give-and-take on all sides. Controlling your kids like robots is not parenting, but abuse.
Courtship became hugely popular with Boomer Christian parents who wanted to spare their kids the excesses they experienced. Frankly, I think you’re misguided trying to compare today’s hookup, HIV world to what Grandma experienced.
The OP wasn’t comparing “casual dating” with “traditional dating” he in fact said and explained how they were quite different. It’s everyone else who doesn’t understand that the author is using a different definition of dating when he says “traditional dating.”
I liked most of what you said, however I think it is good to get to know the family even for a date. This isn’t controlling as much as a safety thing. We are not a courtship family, but we do expect boys to talk to us about seeing out daughters. My husband has never said no and our daughters have no fear bringing boys they are interested in to us. We also have taught our to do this out of respect, but I agree that he should move on if parents would not give him a chance.
My kids are still several years from dating, but I agree with the author concerning courtship. It has always sounded like an unnatural and nearly insurmountable obstacle to getting to know someone well enough to marry.
Not true, Ken. I stepped into the dating world once a year ago, and it was a bad decision. Not because of the system, but because i jumped in with a girl i didn’t know. Since then, i have re-dedicated myself to “learning from the outside (friendship)” and have discovered many of these girls i thought i would marry i don’t need to pursue. Why risk a friendship if you’ve already decided you don’t want to marry her. Because of this approach, i have been able to remain friends with my female acquaintances (not so with my ex-girlfriend). i lost one friendship through an unnecessary relationship. I won’t let that happen again.
I completely agree with the premise of this post. I am a homeschooling mom of four beautiful daughters (ages 6-18) and one very cute 5 month old son! 🙂
When my oldest two daughters were approaching their high school years, we broached this subject and went to parenting seminars, had discussions, watched videos, etc. and I couldn’t get anyone to answer the question “What does that look like?” when talking about the development of a relationship in a courtship setting.
While I told my girls that placing themselves in a situation where they would stir up romantic feelings with no intention on either side to marry is paramount to playing in traffic and begging the cars not to hit you, to only have interactions with a member of the other gender in group settings is no way to really get to know a person on an intimate level enough to foster the type of relatoinship that would lead to marriage.
I’ve always had a strong conviction that our job as parents is to train our children to think and make decisions for themselves. After all, they are going to be the ones living out the consequences, and we are not always going to be there to help them make the decisions.
I absolutely think this idea should become a book.
HOWEVER, I think there are a few things that the author needs to consider:
1. Please remember that all fathers are either not present or not involved in the children’s lives. Some fathers are physically there, but (for whatever reason) remain pretty much detached from most of the day-to-day goings on… YES, even within the homeschooling community. Writing as if the father is always an active component makes it a difficult read for those moms who are bearing the weight of the child rearing on their own.
2. Yes, the Beatles sang, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” but they also sang “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road.” Please be aware that the Hippies and the Beatles were not from two separate time frames or two separate cultures. They actually went hand-in-hand (pun intended).
3. Referring to the generation in the 20’s & 30’s as “The Greatest Generation” is a slap in the face to all those who fell victims to the rampant hatefulness by that generation simply because their skin had a different pigmentation than others. Most people refer to this as “racism,” but I’m a follower of Christ and His Word specifically tells us that “He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth…” Acts 17:26a There is only one race: the race of Man, yet “The Greatest Generation” perpetrated atrocities against those who were of African, Asian, Jewish & Hispanic decent – from widespread discrimination (including denial of education, health benefits, decent housing, etc.) to lynchings.
“The Greatest Generation” failed to provide women with the right to earn fair wages, own property (unless she was single) or basic respect. Marital rape did not even become illegal until the mid-1970’s and it wasn’t illegal in all 50 states until 1993!
Furthermore, the treatment of children was frequently abusive and there were few resources from which anyone could draw to provide provide protection for them. Child labor was common, extensive and detrimental to the child’s health on multiple levels.
Each generation has its own set of positive and negative traits. While those in the 20’s & 30’s might of lived better in one area, today we are living better in others. I don’t believe there’s any way to determine one generation as being “great” over another. All generations are occupied by humans and all humans struggle with sin. (Jer. 17:9)
4. Lastly, and I think this stood out the most in my mind as I was reading: it seems (with a lot of authors on the subject of dating, courtship and marriage) the best determination for a successful marriage is that the couple doesn’t get divorced.
In this post, it states:
“The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.”
Having a happy marriage OR getting divorced are not the only two options here. If a couple barely speak to each other or even make each other miserable, but don’t get divorced, is that a successful marriage? I think not. Shouldn’t the focus should be on the godliness of the relationship and how the couple reflect Christ in their lives towards each other? I believe the biggest breakdown in marriages is in the couple’s intimacy with the Father and/or intimacy with each other. That is why the marriages fail, whether they get divorced or not. I think the writer needs to emphasize this however a couple meets and engages with each other (before and after marriage). The author does well in defining the terms: “dating” and “courtship” (better than I’ve seen others do, anyway). However, I think the author would to do well to expand the definition of a successful marriage beyond the fact that they just don’t file for divorce.
The author did not coin the phrase”the greatest generation”. It is commonly used to refer to the generation that taught in WWII.
Fought