Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
My opinion: faulty conclusion(s) that find fault with the processes. The reason the divorce rate is because a lack of conviction and commitment to a Biblical view of marriage. It was intended to be for “keeps”. Psychobabble can generate endless excuses…
I was home schooled and disagreed with Joshua Harris’ s book the first moment I read it. Great article. The only thing I take issue with is the assumption that courting is a home school thing. There are lots of “normal” people out there who home school.
This made me laugh a bit. My marriage happened because of courtship but not in the way you think. My husband was a part of a singles group that was led by someone who believed in courtship. As a result, every time my husband asked someone out to dinner, she said NO. We met outside the group (I didn’t care for it) and said yes to that first and then second date. We’ve been married 13yrs and counting.
I have a few issues with this article. The author repeatedly made mention to how those who employ courtship are more likely to divorce than those who date instead. However, he only referred to anecdotal evidence, so I can’t really give much weight to that facet of his argument. It might very well be true, but without any proper citations it doesn’t really mean much. I still agree with him that courtship is not the most effective method for most people, but his habit of just saying things as fact without backing it up didn’t help much.
My big issue here is the reinforcement of gender roles. The author makes the assumption that the guy HAS to be the one who asks the girl out instead of the other way around. If a girl wants to go on a date with a guy there is absolutely no reason that she have to wait around for forever until he asks her. Second, this article proposes that the guy should always be the one who pays for the meal and that the girl should assume that he will offer. Even though I’m very much the sort of person that would offer to pay for the meal every time, I don’t think that there is any reason that the guy necessarily has to be the one who pays for everything. I would say that it makes sense for the person who asked the other person out on the first date be the one who pays (this person could of course be either male or female), but if a couple starts dating then one very reasonable option is to just split the tab every time. I know a plenty of people who have had success with such an arrangement, and it helps by not unduly making the girl feel like she is constantly in the debt of the guy and therefore needs to repay the favour.
The other thing that I disagree with is the author’s advice to young ladies that they should always agree to a first date with a guy as long as he is a Christian. NO. NO. NO. If a girl does not feel comfortable around a guy, she should definitely not feel obligated to go on a date with him. It’s an unfortunate truth, but there are rapists out there who say that they are Christians. Women really must defer to their own personal judgement when it comes to their safety. Even if we aren’t talking about an extreme such as sexual assault, I still don’t think that Christian girls should automatically go on a date with every single Christian guy that asks. One of the principles of dating is that there has to be a mutual attraction, so if a girl doesn’t really feel interested in a guy she should feel that she has every right to just say no.
I am so incredibly disappointed that you would tell guys to “move on to the next girl” if she requests that you speak to her father first. Just because a father wants to be involved in his daughter’s relationship does not mean that he is controlling. Please know that you are giving terrible advice!! I played the dating game and also forms of courtship, and let me tell you, dating wasn’t all that you (or your grandmother) make it out to be. My “dating” relationships ended terribly, while my “courtship” relationships ended much better. My father desired, but didn’t require that all guys ask his permission to get to know me, but I was the one that wanted him to be involved. I wanted his protection, his input and advice. It was also a way to honor my Father, as my leader and protector, until that responsibility was given to my now husband. I married my husband at age 21 after “dating/courting” from the time I was 14. I can truly say that I wish I hadn’t “dated” it was a horrible time of my life. And I’m very thankful that my husband never saw your horrible advice about passing over girls who want their Father’s involvement! There are downsides to both courtship and dating, please don’t blacklist one. I’ve been happily married for 8 years and have 5 children.
“If she says you need to talk to her dad first, just move on to the next girl.”
I really feel like this statement is too black and white. Just because dad wants to “talk” shouldn’t be a barrier. Any adolescent or man should be able to “talk” to dad, and if the dad is controlling or rejecting – THEN move on, without taking it personally. We’re talking about a first date, not courtship, so the level of investment should not be large; *especially if the daughters are taking the advice to not go out with the same person 2x in a row*.
YOU HAVE SAID WHAT I HAVE BEEN RANTING ABOUT FOR NEARLY TWO YEARS!!!
Well said.
I have 17 year old twins and we homeschool.
Hi! I was very interested in your article and read the whole thing. I was homeschooled, loved it, and plan to homeschool my three (2 boys, 1 girl). I also plan to arrange their marriages. To me, that means my husband and I do whatever it takes to have a healthy marriage so that our children will feel comfortable around and attracted to healthy people. That means we pro-ACTIVELY prepare our children for marriage by modeling, instructing, discussing, and training them to be great in their role and to expect a partner who is great in his/her role. When they are ready to marry – finish school (minimal, not graduate) , have a job (sufficient to support a wife), and WANT to marry, then we go into action to make that happen. We vet their friends. We invite singles to our home for pizza/games. We use a match-maker to find the right person states away. Basically, we parade ACCEPTABLE options before them and say, choose!
I advise young people not to awaken love before its time; get to know themselves first, finish growing up (girls 18-20, boys 24-25), have fun with friends while they’re young, but don’t get serious with anyone until they see themselves getting married in the next 1-2 years. They should travel, they should work and volunteer, they should read and attend social group meetings. Sitting at home is too passive, not to mention boring and dull.
A father with an older daughter who wants to marry and who he has personally prepared for marriage, has an obligation to her to find an acceptable mate for her, soon.
So well spoken. I have watched this senario in all of it’s facets for 40 + yrs.. I’ve been married for 32.( to the same man) sure there ups and downs, but commitement takes the cake. We dated. started at a strict Bible school in groups , no phy. stuff for a sem. at least, then after 2 1/2 yrs. , got married. We saw each other through all four seasons and took the phy. gradually and waited for the biggy till marriage and believe me , we couldn’t have waited much longer. Our parents blessed it and it has been good.
My husband and I found if we are uncomfortable with allowing our daughter(s) to go out on a first date alone with a boy we don’t know, we invite him over for a relaxed cookout to break the ice. Get to know their date. Make him feel welcome. Yes it is awkward at first, but we have found this too work out well. Then give them some time alone in the living room to talk and get to know each other without spying on them too much. 🙂 Parents can usually get a feel on if the young men are really out to get to know your daughters or if they have something else in mind. Usually our daughters will know after a first date in a supervised environment if they like them or not and want to have a second date out with them. I do agree that encouraging your children to date around is a good idea. That way they can get an idea of the type of person they are looking for.
I might also add to my last comment: to pray for your children daily that God would lead the right spouse that He has purposed for them. I know that God will. He is a faithful God. Also pray that God will give your children, that are looking to marry in the future, to show them if this is the right spouse for them. We have to trust that God and our children, if we have raised them up in the Lord, that they will make the right choice. My daughter is getting ready to go off to a Christian College. I am praying that God will bring the right Godly man in her life.
Since the rebirth of the courtship movement, no universal definition has been accepted. I have long defined my courtship as “working under the authority of a father to win the heart of his daughter.” In seven semesters of college, I made many “girl” friends, but I never paired off. In my final semester, I secured a father’s blessing to spend time with his daughter pairing off in well-chaperoned Christian college environment. Within a year, we were engaged. A year later, we were married. We just celebrated our fourteenth anniversary. It isn’t helpful to “go to seed” on labels for pre-marital friendships. Young people who are rightly related to their parents and who apply Biblical principles will tend toward healthy marriages and healthy relationships in general.
Some good thoughts and discussion starters here. I have a napping baby and long to do list so I don’t have a ton of time, but one thing jumped out at me. Regarding your point that girls shouldn’t marry the first guy they have feelings for…I would modify that to say “don’t feel obligated to marry the first guy you have feelings for.” Every relationship takes a different path, and I know of several couples who were just made for each other. I can think of three happily married couples I know who started having feelings for each other in middle school. It isn’t the easiest road to navigate with purity. It takes a lot of wisdom and accountability. (And for the record none of the couples started dating this young but they ultimately dated only each other and are now very happily married. Not everyone needs to date a lot of people. One of the downfalls of the courtship model as you described it was that it was too rules and method driven and not driven enough by faith, wisdom, and seeking The Lord both on the parts of parents and children. I would hate to see one set of “rules” replaced with another even if they are better rules or it’s a better method.
Although I realize that mine may be lost in the midst of all the other comments, allow me to offer my two cents’ worth.
First, your definition of courtship is fundamentally incorrect. The purpose of courtship is not marriage. The purpose of courtship is to determine whether this is the person one should marry. It is not the same level of commitment. To call it the same thing as engagement is to misdefine it.
Secondly, you say that many of the couples who court end in divorce. This may be so; but the problem is not courtship. The Lord hates divorce! I dare to say that when a marriage ends in divorce, the problem is in the hearts of the couple. There is no good reason that a marriage between two Christians wouldn’t work. No matter the differences of personality, no matter the lack of common interest, if both people are Christians, they have the most important thing in common. I’m not saying that one should go marry just anyone; but once you are married you need to make it work. Barring unchastity and abuse, Christian marriage should never end in divorce. And if both parties are truly saved, I don’t believe either of these would happen.
There is more that I could say, but I’m allotted only two cents.
I’m going through a nasty divorce after 7 years in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage. We courted. Decided to “pursue marriage” 8 days after we met. Typical story as you described here. I’ve learned enough now to raise my daughters differently. Keep spreading the word.
Thomas –
I’m glad you are writing about this. Yes, please write a book. The divorce rate among couples who courted seems to me to be much higher than the mainstream christian culture. This is from personal observation. I too would like to see research done in this area.
Like your grandmother, my own mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents ALL followed the same type of dating described by your grandmother. My family and extended family have been characterized by long lasting, committed marriages. ALL of them went on casual dates ( several of them) per month – dances, football games, and more dances. There WAS NO promiscuity. But they did have a lot of fun and did learn a lot about humans in general and what they wanted and did not want in a mate. The only man my own mom ever kissed was my dad. But she went on at least one date per week with other boys until mom and dad decided to “go steady” after knowing each other for around 4 years, and after having been on years of dates with each other and other people. BOTH my parents were virgins when they married.
Here are some problems I have with courtship:
1. Mistaking the first crush you’ve ever had ( or been allowed to have) for a sign to get married.
When you date, you know that crushes come and go. You learn that first feelings often give way
to the reality that you have nothing in common with the other person.
2. No opportunity to learn about the other person’s TRUE character. Does anyone really imagine that
a guy is going to “be inappropriate” with a girl in front of her father or chaperone? Of course not.
Courtship prohibits the guy or girl’s true character from being revealed. Is he the kind of guy, who,
given the chance, would push the boundaries? With courtship, you’ll never know. Until AFTER the
marriage takes place. Hence the high divorce rate. The person WAS NOT who they SEEMED to be
under chaperoning.
3. Courtship reduces attraction to the physical since you have to talk to the dad ( and express your desire to wed the girl) before you can get to know the girl at all. The only thing you are allowed to do is look from afar before this, so attraction is reduced to the lowest common denominator – physical attractiveness. This is a shallow way to pursue a mate, but is weirdly held up as “godly” by the homeschool community.
4. Courtship places false pressure on the relationship at too early of date in the relationship. Instead of allowing a couple to get to know one another and allowing the feelings to unfold naturally, the immediate pressure to pursue “with the goal of marriage” is put into play. This puts FAR more importance on a relationship than there needs to be at the “getting-to-know-you” stage. Which is why courtship breakups are so catastrophic. Rather than simply deciding you don’t really like the person( and being allowed to move on), now you are saddled with breaking off a pseudo covenant, dashing the expectations of the other party ( who was trained to expect MARRIAGE from this – not just a dating relationship), possibly having ruined the reputation of the other party now (did they “give you their heart”? oh dear – tainted now!) complete with angering one or both sets of parents. This is too much pressure to put on young relationships, and serves as a deterrent to even begin the process – too much a risk. And we wonder why young homeschoolers are not getting married?
5. After watching this whole process for 20 years now, I am convinced that many courting relationships moved to marriage precisely b/c of the reasons I stated in #4. They simply could not face the fallout of having broken a courtship. And so, they ended up in a marriage they really did not want, with a person they didn’t know, and later realize they don’t like. Godly? Um, NO.
6. Sadly, I know one young person currently who is about to make that very choice – marry someone they don’t love to please the parents. Tragic, since the parents themselves got to date and choose their own mates but are denying this to their children.
Sorry for the long comment.
Agree totally, once again. Some of my girlfriends and I were talking about how several Christian guys/girls seem discount anyone except total bombshells and drop-dead gorgeous members of the opposite sex as possible mates. We concluded, like you, that the courtship model is likely cause: when you’re told you’ve got just one shot at it and that the godly model is to only pursue one person ever, the pressure is on to pick the best you possibly can, right? Unfortunately, as you said, this leads to selecting people based on the most shallow premises possible.
Opposingly, our non-Christian or less evangelical friends seem to have dated people of varying physical appearances and seem to have a broader appreciation for diversity.
Thank you for this article! As a woman who was completely swept up in the “I kissed dating goodbye” beliefs, I really appreciate this very practical idea. I “courted” a man I met at Bible college. I married him. He was the first “real” relationship I had ever had. He turned out to be very abusive. Looking back, I can see the danger signs in our courtship, but back then, I had no basis for comparison, so how would I know whether he was treating me right or not? I am happily married now to a man I dated several years after getting out of my abusive marriage. We have 2 little girls, and have had many discussions about how to help them find healthy, happy marriages someday. This really made sense to both of us! The only problem I see is how poorly other Christians would look on our girls if they were to not date the same boy twice in a row. “Playing the field” is looked down upon now!
And how in the world the homeschooling community decided that it was wise to take advice from a single, then 19 year old author about how to have a long lasting marriage, I’ll never understand.
According to homeschool ideals, a 19 year old isn’t even capable of deciding who to marry, so how is it that all this wise advice on dating and marriage was accepted (and then aggressively promoted) coming from a person in that very age demographic?
That’s got to be some kind of logical fallacy, or something.
Good point, mumsy2014! His Dad was very popular within the homeschooling movement; this certainly gave him some influence. 🙂 I think Josh also wrote his book in the aftermath of a painful breakup (this is certainly implied in his book); perhaps his book was something of a reaction to this. He also tells of how he considered himself a “serial dater” back then, too, if I remember correctly, which implies that his view of dating was never healthy to begin with: perhaps if he had followed the Greatest Generation’s model of clean, social, friendship focused dating, rather than following the more modern parameters, he would have had a more positive experience. 🙂
Wonderfully and eloquently written. I agree with this 100%. I was raised with the “courtship” model, but did not court my spouse, although we spent a whole lot of time with each others’ families.
The high-pressure courtship formula implies that unless you are prepared to marry the person, spending time with them–even if it’s just going out for coffee–is sinful. The result was that when a guy finally expressed interest, he was scared stiff of “going steady” or “calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend” because he knew mutual acquaintances would then expect us to start planning our wedding!
This type of pressure had the opposite effect that our parents and church families hoped for: rather than encouraging us to marry, it created a commitment phobia, since even expressing interest in someone could seal your fate as future spouses.
For those of us who did wind up entering relationships under this high-stress cultural umbrella, we faced disastrous consequences if ever we broke up: some of us had to abandon our social circles and strike out to make new friends. Some us became the victims of vicious rumours or had to endure constant speeches about “this is what happens when you enter a relationship before you are ready,” as if the pain of a failed “courtship” (which is more like a ring-less engagement) wasn’t enough.
And has anyone mentioned how the “courtship” model is stressed to teenagers? Whom within the Western teenage culture is ready for the high-level commitment demanded by courtship?
My relationship with my spouse developed away from the stifling courtship model: it began as a fun and clean summer romance when I was 19, which bloomed naturally without any pre-conceived expectations. 6 months later, we were engaged; 1 year later, we were married!
Once I threw off the scary pressures of courtship, I finally felt free to develop friendships with guys without worrying that I might “lead my brethren astray.” This made it easier to talk to guys, which led to my consenting to “hang out” with my now husband one afternoon, which led to everything else.
I remember being criticised for abandoning the courtship model: some people even predicted that I couldn’t possibly build a successful or lasting relationship with the dating model. The joke is on them now, I guess! 😀
Em –
Your comment is powerful coming from the vantage point of having been subjected to the courtship culture.
You are right – those who chose to break from the courtship culture typically had to face the real consequence of losing their standing in their social community, and sometimes even in their own families.
This is a type of societal/cultural blackmail that has been used very effectively in the homeschooling community and has resulted in tragic marriages, scores of unmarried young adults, and broken family relationships.
For many, the choice between losing the only community/family they’d ever known or striking out on their own to find a mate was simply to scary to think about.
So they marry who dad says, or more often, they don’t marry at all.
Very sad.
I would actually suggested that part of the reason courtship is flawed is because people can be deceived parents as well as their children. A guy can come in and give a performance that would not have continued for so long if he had ever been alone with the girl. He might have revealed some of his true colors before hand. I was very glad to read this article though! and I am so glad I got to read it.
While I agree on mist points, the one thung that bothers me the most is that you have put the sole responsibility of initiating a date on the men, while the women have to lay around waiting and hoping for someone to ask them on a date. Encourage the women to be confident enough in themselves to ask a man out for coffee as well!
On dating. Another good way to meet someone is to have your friends introduce you to some of their friends that you may not have met yet. I was introduced by a friend to a boy when I was in 7th grade. We dated for 4 years, there was never any pressure on either side and we are still friends almost 15 years later. It also helped a lot that our parents met and became friends. My now husband and I were introduced by a mutual acquaintance who felt that we would get along well because we are both quiet people. I asked the acquaintance to give his friend my phone number and we spoke on the phone several times before having our first date. We dated for just over 2 years before getting married and had our second wedding anniversary last month. I can honestly say that I can see myself being with my husband for the rest of my life.
Thank you for this. I was a Camp Leader in the 80s/90s ,(and also a married mother of 3)when the “Kiss Dating Goodbye” book came out. I remember arguing with it then–for all the same reasons! I always felt that this philosophy, was a form of legalism that controlled you, so you didn’t have to learn to control yourself. It also made everyone a potential “meat market” and/or project instead of developing friendships, just for friendships sake. My husband and I attempted (with the Grace of God) to walk out our love for God and each other, teaching our children both unconditional love and God’s principles. We then gave them room and grace, to “work out their own salvation” Of course there were bumps along the way–there are bumps along everyone’s way, that’s what Grace is for! Love of any sort can never grow in an atmosphere of legalism and suspicion.
Hey, this article is very interesting. I come from a home-schooling community and I see the flaws of courtship. A lot of my friends aren’t married. Although there’s no problem with that, I sometimes wonder if they’ll ever really meet someone. I know if I had been committed to courtship, I probably never would have gotten married. Daddys tend to be super protective and it’s really natural not to commit to a daddy unless you really decide you like a girl. It’s important to get to know guys and other personalities in general, on a one-on-one basis (cuz I’m shy and that’s the only way I ever get to know people). My now-husband was only persistent enough with my father because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to marry me. We had been intimate friends for years before he made that step, though. He’s a shy, amazing Christian guy. A bolder guy would have been careless enough to ask my dad. My husband respected my father and his answer enough to be VERY nervous even when asking me to “go steady.”