Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
I read this whole article and I liked a few points but overall I did not agree with it. I wish you would have said something about praying to help you decide who is the right mate for you. Not everything in our lives is entirely up to our own strength and might. If we allow God to help us in our lives everything would be so much easier.
Thank you for this thought provoking article! I dated/went steady way too young, 13years old, behind my parent’s backs. Waited till after college to marry. We should have married much earlier but education was the priority for our parents.
Now a homeschooling family having participated in a family integrated church and having a 16 year old woman in our home with hopes of marriage, where do we find a spouse or even present a safe environment to get to know various young men? I very much agree that courtship seems to have killed the biblical mandate to marry as I see single not so young people all around me and wonder why they are not pursuing or being pursued.
Thank you again so much for bringing insights to the generational reactions/responses to the pitfalls of various methods of finding a mate.
this was eye opening. I am 39 and have never been married. Maybe I will go on a date soon. lol..if someone would just ask me out. 🙂
Could you share the statistics you have on courtship marriages that end in divorce? You say there is a lot of them but without any reference as to what ‘ a lot” is or statistics to back it up.
The dating approach that your grandmother gave you sounds very similar to “THe Bachelorette” shows on TV. 🙂 I also was home schooled. I knew Josh and his family. Neat family. We did not court. We did not date more than one guy though either. I am the 2nd of 4 sisters. Me and my sisters all married the first guy we dated. Why bother dating unless you are interested in marriage? Seems like most people, despite what your gma said about not dating a guy 2 times in a row, still get very emotionally attached anyway. My sisters and I have all been happily married for 10-15 years. I say the REASON behind us staying married though is that we have made a CHOICE to love no matter what, remembering God’s sacrificial love for us and trying to love/respect the other in the same way.
Ugh, where was this when I was being home schooled (Jr. High) and private Christian schools in High School? Oh, that’s right Josh’s book was all the rage in the Church at that time, and my mother jumped on the Christian fad du jour bandwagon (she still does it) along with nearly every other youth pastor and Christian educator I’ve met since.
So, I graduated high school, joined the navy, and coming from the courtship trained background in dealing with the opposite sex, the first girl I started dating with any seriousness talked her way into moving in a month after our first date, and then I married her (mostly due to the guilt of “living in sin”). What an unmitigated disaster. Divorced 4 years later.
As I figured out over the next 7-8 years after my divorce, the traditional dating process isn’t just about figuring out the personality types in the opposite sex that you mesh with, it’s almost more about figuring out your personality type and the roles you like in a relationship. What you want, need, like, and can live with for the rest of your life. No one person is going to fulfill everything (that Christ’s job), so that “ideal” significant other is really only going to hit a majority of those needs, some of the likes, and a few of the wants. Plus you’d better be able to be OK with the rest of what you have to live with. Otherwise, tons of resentment due to toothpaste containers, toilet seats, toilet paper over/under, as well as the major things like how they deal with money.
In my opinion, the courtship paradigm is the very definition of the road of good intentions paving the way straight to hell. Throw in Disney (I call it the Cinderella syndrome), romance novels, porn, and a severe lack of parenting (My definition of parenting is preparing your child to be an adult, and romantic relationships and sex are part of being an adult. Simply beating it in to them that it’s all sinful/icky/gross is a cop out.) – all teaching us false expectations about the opposite sex and ourselves.
I kissed courtship goodbye.
Hey Matthew,
Do many or even any “courtshippers” condone premarital cohabitation? Is it fair or honest to condemn “courtship” because a relationship conducted against courtship principles failed?
Judgmental response much?
It’s a fair enough question. No, premarital cohabitation isn’t generally condoned, thus my guilt and poor choices. However, you missed the point of what I was getting at. The courtship paradigm does not does not prepare a child to be an adult dealing with adult relationships. Courtship is a fantasy world. It is another contributor to setting up false expectations, as if there aren’t enough already.
Look through all these posts, how many times do you see the concepts of “the one”, or soulmate, etc.? It’s a lie. A big, fat, Satan inspired, marriage destroying lie. As Christians we should be teaching our children that Jesus is our “One”, that He is our soul mate, we are His bride. No significant other is going to fulfill us/complete us. That’s Christ’s role in our life.
The traditional dating process isn’t just about learning how we mesh with members of the opposite sex and different personalities. It’s also a learning process about ourselves. What do we need, like, want? What do we have to offer a potential mate and will it provide that person with what they need, like, want? And since the both of you are flawed selfish human beings, chances are, you never going to find an entirely complete person (again, that’s Jesus for us Christians) that’s going to check off every item on that list, nor you for them. So, then you’re going to have to make a judgement call on what you can live with without resentment. Resentment based on false expectations and eventually destroying a marriage. Traditional dating offers a much broader education in preparing a child for adulthood.
Courtship teaches one fundamental lesson, ONE – purity. The problem is we are human, and most of us are going to fail that lesson, especially in today’s hyper-sexualized culture. Once we fail, what are we left with? Nothing. Once you fail that test there’s no getting back your virginity, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Then after that occurs, you have no further lessons to fall back on, and you compound that mistake with more because there was no instruction after purity. You are flying blind. Courtship is simply a methodology for lazy, controlling parents who don’t want to teach or learn what it takes to prepare a child to be an adult.
I will tell you my story: I was sweet 16 and never kissed. I was going with a guy my senior year of high school. We rode horses together and just had fun. I realized after another year I wanted to be free to look around. I still didn’t date through 5 years of college, but I spent plenty of time having friends and I knew those friends were not what I wanted to marry. Several more years passed and I was a Christian by then and I was believing God to give me the right man for life. When I got to the point of surrendering my life fully and could wait the rest of my life for Him to deliver that man, He put him right under my nose. We both had mutual friends for 3 years and never knew each other existed. We married 6 months later. We spent time together getting to know each other, but nothing physical. We kept out distance. I was 29. I went on to have 7 babies in the next decade and we are still happily married and next week is our 33rd anniversary. By keeping pure is the only way to have respect and trust. The world is watching you also and you are the testimony of what it is like to follow Jesus if you are a believer. If you aren’t, then you are probably doing what the rest of the world is doing. Point is, don’t let your father down, your heavenly Father down, and don’t let yourself down by selling yourself short. It is worth waiting for. If you aren’t ready to get married, then I don’t think you should be dating.
Thomas, I noticed that you seemed to be using “homeschooled” as if it implied “Christian”. I would like to point out that it doesn’t. All it takes to be homeschooled is for one’s parents to realize that the public school system in their area has serious faults and shortcomings and that it would be better for them to be educated at home. It may have been true when you were growing up that the vast majority of homeschoolers were Christian, I wouldn’t know, but these days there are many secular homeschoolers, such as myself.
Remember that in Biblical marriage a woman was the property and chattel of her father and generally given or sold to her husband. Father and husband were entitled to beat, rape and kill her. Remember that during her period and after childbirth she was considered unclean and exiled from society. Remember that Leviticus forbids earing shellfish, pork and gravy. Remember that it also forbids the wearing of mixed fibers (bye bye poly cotton Tshirt) and altering the body ( bye bye shaving, haircuts, trimming of finger and toenails.
And now remember that picking and choosing which Biblical laws to follow is hypocritical at best. All or nothing.
Hey Alecta,
Can I respectfully ask if you are a Christian?
I feel you hit on a lot of very good points. But I think we need to look at an underlying issue that you hinted at, but did not quite bring out as much as I think it should be. If parents want to prepare them for the future they need to teach them discernment, not a bunch of rules. Courtship is based on following rules and hopes for protection. If we want to use traditional dating, great! I loved it! But it takes a lot of discernment. We have raised our children on principles not rules. I feel that is what the Bible does. Especially the New Testament. It teaches the two most important commandments are principles to live by. The greatest blessing parents can give their children is discernment for life. Blessings!
My children are in their 20’s. I love your grandparents advice. I wholeheartedly agree. Realize that you will have to go back to your grandparents. By the time I was in high school in the late 70’s, the culture of dating was already gone. And it is a huge loss. We need dating again. I agree that it is essential to meet a lot of people. Just recently a young man was confused that a young woman was not sure if she wanted to “date” in the courtship sense. I said, “That makes complete sense to me. She has never been on a date with you. Ask her on a date. Then wait a few days and call her and ask her on another date. You have to make it enjoyable enough for her to go on the next date. After she has gone on dates with you she can decide if she wants to date you.” He replied that they have been friends for a long time. Being friends and dating are completely different universes. My advice to all of you of dating age is to start dating. Have fun. Go to interesting places. Find cool things to do, museums, zoo, parks, free concerts, county fairs. Make it clear what you are doing. Explain why you think it is a good idea and go for it. (Prayerfully 🙂
This article suffers by not seriously interacting with history. The article’s appeal to authority is not to the Church Fathers, or the Scholastics, or perhaps even the Reformers, but to a living generation. This generation is consistently referred to by the colloquial term “The Greatest Generation” as if this phrase has moral weight of its own. The “Greatest Generation” were responsible for the destruction of the last vestiges of pubic Christianity, and public morality generally, and whatever they were not directly responsible for, they were impotent to prevent. This generation were not moral exemplars, but serve most properly as a warning, and their social, political and spiritual practices should be viewed with great skepticism, particularly when they are in discord with universal moral traditions.
What is the historical practice of courtship and dating in pre-Christian and Christian Europe? What are the theological ramifications of courtship and dating? Marriage is a supremely important symbol and type in Christianity – how does the distinction between courtship and dating affect this symbol? If contemporary man is inclined a certain way, do we destroy all traditional institutions, or do we conform the desires of contemporary man to the normal practices and expressions of the ages?
The term “traditional” in “traditional dating” is at the least dubious, if not deceptive, for no effort has been made to prove that “dating” is the traditional practice of Christians or Europeans generally. Why two generations previous is chosen as a golden age is left unsaid. Why not the practices of the 2nd century AD? Why not the practices of the High Middle Ages? Why not the practices of the early 19th century? The theological and cosmological foundations of the practices are not being considered at all, leaving only materialist and utilitarian concerns.
If our culture no longer fits our traditional cultural and religious institutions, should we destroy our institutions, or reform our culture? The author uncritically accepts that Western/Enlightenment culture’s individualism and liberalism are morally neutral, but this is certainly not a given. Indeed, they are antithetical to many Christian theological symbols, and opposed by traditional Christian political and social philosophy.
This whole battle is somewhat an American thing, so I don’t really have a side. But the author does not even approach the fundaments of courtship, but relies on an ahistorical, atheological, consequentialist critique. People who agree with the author will share this, people who disagree will leave angry comments on those shares, and no one will have learnt anything.
Christopher, I applaud your painting with a broader historical brush. I strongly suspect you are a recent college grad/post grad, kudos. However (yeah, there’s a “but” coming, feel free to disagree), in dealing with Christianity, dating, courtship, marriage, what we are dealing with is an individual’s personal relationships. There is no historical moral context, except for that person’s individual history. We have no hive mind or greater social consciousness. We are all trying to muddle through as 7.3 billion individuals, based on what we have been taught and are capable of learning.
I am responsible for preparing my daughter to be an adult. Me, an individual. Granted, there is some slight historical viewpoint in that we can go back generations in terms of dependency for that teaching, but her grandparents and great grandparents, and so on, are not held accountable. I am. Then as an adult (in another year) she will then be responsible. I’m doing my best to prepare her based on the culture we live in now.
You do make a good point about the misnomer of the term traditional dating. However , in the author’s case, it’s an understood implication. If we were really talking about “traditional dating” we’d go back to arranged marriages, but that wouldn’t fly in today’s western culture.
All the best in your future endeavors, you have an excellent ability for thought and communication.
I find your article a bit offensive actually . You assume the to believe in courtship it has to be done exactly the way you describe. To me, it does more harm than help. You encourage guys not to bother with girls who say ask their dad first, but what of the ones who say so for respect sake not final decision sake. Courtship has evolved…msybe your attitude should too? Courtship is not evil. In, fact what you’ re describing doesn’t even sound like the courtship I grew up with. I’m bothered that you would encourage young people to sacrifice their spiritual health by church hopping in order to find a mate versus staying in a church where God put them to be fed because of the single demographic.
I agree completely. Offensive in its nature because its so judgemental and seemingly clueless of the whole idea of courtship.
At the end of the day God is the one who has joined two people together in holy matrimony. I think that parents in general do want what’s best for their children. However, instead of fearing the Lord and seeking his will for their children’s lives; some may play God (Maybe without realising it) because they are afraid in case their child goes in the wrong direction. I think that you should extend your blog post into a book as it would inspire people to move forward with a traditional and Godly perspective on dating. It’s something that a lot of people need to hear. I love this blog post!
There is always going to be temptation no matter which route people choose to take, but I think your point about traditional dating putting less pressure onto people a great point. They are less likely going to be tempted to go down the wrong path.
Whilst there is those who want to go down the Courtship road, the question is are they really surrendering to God or are they taking the matter into their own hands and placing their personal views on their children who are capable of making their own choices. God gave people the freewill to make their own choices, so wouldn’t the parents want to follow in the footsteps of God and surrender their opinions and ideas of marriage to him, the one who created marriage to be between one woman and one man?
Thanks for posting. I did really need to hear this now before the whole “courtship” idea (which I was never 100% sure on anyway) changed the way I behaved. 🙂 The meanings of words have changed so much that sometimes it is confusing. x
I found this post to be full of generalisations and assumptions… for one, I havent met one father of a courtship practicing family who has been a harsh, cold, controlling person. They have all except ONE, been quite approachable in my opinion. So labelling a family dynamic that way is a bit off. Secondly, I read “I kissed dating goodbye” and its not about what to do during courtship. Its what to do BEFORE courtship. He has another book called “when boy meets girl” which goes into more detail. I also find it strange that you seem to be okay with arranged marriages but not courtship when they have so many similar qualities. I completely disagree with your grandparental advice, but I respect that it was a generational rule/custom to do things that way. Maybe courtship isnt for everyone… but I sure wouldn’t be putting families and people in your definition of a courtship box. All because some people are extremists and do it OTT and dont understand the purpose behind it, doesn’t mean its not a wonderful option for many people. I know of many married couples who courted and are very happily married. We cant of course plaster a statistic on something due to our personal experience which is a small radius about us… thats what it seems you may be doing.
Oh and those who court, do not feel as though they are obliged to marry. Nor does it feel like a “proposal” when being asked for dinner. Its just that, both the man and woman know, that they aren’t in it for the sheer experience/fun only. They both know that they are looking for a life partner. They both understand that the other means business. This makes it less awkward in my opinion because you immediately know the other person is on the same page. And you can ask questions like “what are your views on discipline” or “what do you think the role of a man and woman in marriage are?” Without the other person choking on their meal. Its a time saver really. Doesnt mean you cant have fun, and it doesn’t mean your locked into marriage. It just means both parties motives clear, which makes it all the more pleasant. You can relax knowing that you can ask the big important questions when the time is right, without feeling afraid of what the other will think.
I could go on and on about the benefits of courtship, but im not sure my point ot view will be recieved with understanding so I better quit now.
I appreciate you are entitled to your opinion. I just feel saddened that you so harshly judge those that do courting, and label the families in such a negative light when so many wonderful families I know, practice courtship, and it works for them.
I was homeschooled from 3rd grade on, went to college etc. and am now happily married with a son. I did not court, I dated, but in a very unique way & had 3 guys I dated (modern definition) prior to my husband. I made a lot of mistakes a long the way because I was “striking out” and couldn’t understand why, so I went outside the box. By the time I met him I had given up on finding him and on myself.
My parents chose to (wisely) reject the “courtship” mindset as a whole. Instead they chose to raise me & my siblings with snatches of SOME of the homeschool mumbo-jumbo, and rejected other parts of it. However the “courtship/homeschool damage” took its toll on me regardless because for a time we were members of a local homeschool group. Even though we rejected specific behaviors, the rest of them didn’t.
Like you, I’ve noticed that there are some very obvious flaws in some of the courtship thought paths. Many of those who “drank the cool-aid” are still single, some permanently so. Others, have recognized that there are flaws in it and are rejecting the courtship and homeschool scene like we did so many years ago.
I plan to homeschool my son, and to teach him similar truths that my parents did. What I don’t plan to do is advocate courtship. I do plan to guide and advise him on taking his time, figuring out what he wants in a wife, and keeping his priorities in order and to have a good work ethic. Those who do not work, do not eat as they say.
This is an incredibly insightful description of my past. Homeschooled, my Dad bought me one of the Joshua Harris books (he was at at a mens conference and it was the recommended thing to get your daughter) I never ever ‘dated’ only spent time with boys in groups and always just looked for the ‘one’. At 26 I figured out that’s not how my life is going to work, I am the girl that pastor was talking about who said he had a “rash of older 20 something women …Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.” I decided to travel the world, and have been doing so ever since. I am completely disillusioned with meeting someone within the church, however starting to become disillusioned with ever finding anyone! I have been working the past few years as a snow sports instructor and always seem to end up in highly transient communities, (I live in Banff, Canada at atm) where sex is readily available, and for a christian girl who doesn’t sleep with a guy on first encounter, it’s very hard to get anyone to ask me on a date. Infact I’m starting to get desperate, and doing the unfathomable, starting to do the asking- even asking guys who are not at all interested. This is getting demoralising, and I’m realizing more and more that I’m lonely and going to sit on the shelf like the old maids our parents talked about. Any advise???
I’ll take a stab at some advice, remember you get what you pay for. =)
First, I’ll cover loneliness. Marriage isn’t a cure, especially if you’re with someone who ends up making you miserable. From first hand experience, chances are you will feel even lonelier due to the expectation that you aren’t supposed to be now that you are married. Even if you are with a generally compatible mate, there will be times you will still feel really lonely. Don’t expect a significant other to fill that hole. Only Jesus can complete you. Ultimately, you are going to be potentially married to another selfish, sinful, flawed human being no matter how great he might be. He won’t be a substitute for Christ in your life. Again, don’t approach it from the stand point that marriage is a cure for loneliness. Love is about service and sacrifice, not a mystical, magical snake oil that cures all. There is no happily ever after when you say, “I do.” unless you work for it for the rest of your life, often requiring great sacrifice on your part (and his).
Second, stick to your guns on purity. It’s worth it, or God wouldn’t have instructed us so often to do so. I, unfortunately, did not follow that path and made many regretful decisions and suffered many consequences due to poor choices. However, God did His good and Holy work and the fruits were later positives. He does that if we’ll let Him and follow by faith after we mess up. Often we learn more suffering the consequences of failures then enjoying the successes. I’m not encouraging mistakes mind you, just saying it’s not the end of the world. Stick to your guns on purity.
Third, don’t define yourself by the ability or inability to find a mate. The best thing you can do for yourself (and a future mate, if that’s God’s will) is be OK with yourself, figurative warts, loneliness, and all. Marriage doesn’t define you, you do. Being desperate and making choices based on desperation or fear is the worst thing you could do to yourself. Really. Do NOT make fear based choices. Especially in relationships.
Lastly, I personally can’t think of anything Biblical that would really gainsay a woman asking out a man, the only drawback I might see would be setting up an expectation that you are always going to lead the relationship forward, but I see that as a communication problem to be addressed if you feel the relationship is going somewhere and there are some issues with that expectation.
Most of us are never going to be Moses, where God personally takes us by the hand and directs us, it’s a matter of faith. You do what you know is right in His eyes according to what He has placed in front of you to do.
Hope this helps.
God bless and hang in there,
-Matt
“Make something positive out of life, or it’ll make something negative out of you.”
My first marriage wasn’t an “arranged” marriage, however it was an “introduced” marriage. I dated very little in high school, and went into the military shortly after graduation, so I didn’t have a “high-school-sweetheart” waiting for me when I came back home. My dad was a pastor, and he and mom hosted a “college and career” group. They had met a couple of young ladies, both of whom they considered good marriage material.
The first one they introduced me to was Claudia. We hit it off immediately, except for one minor problem. Our future goals were mutually-exclusive. She wanted to be a medical missionary in Ecuador, and I wanted a family. She did go to Ecuador as a medical missionary, and only came back home when she was too sick to stay there.
The second lady they introduced me to was Connie. She was a sister of the female half of a couple dad had performed their wedding for. We started courting, and after a short courtship, got engaged. Our engagement was even shorter than our courtship. We married in April 1978, and eventually had four kids. We were married until October 1997, when she lost her life in a tragic incident.
When the right one comes along, why drag it out?
Thank you thank you thank you!! I am happily married now, but no thanks to kissing dating goodbye. A part of me has always blamed that book and courtship message for the unrealistic expectations I had during college, and for feeling obligated to stay committed to a very unhealthy relationship. Praise God I has the strength to end it. Thank you for putting Into words what is so flawed about courting. I love the idea of encouraging non-exclusive dating for my children. It makes so much more sense.
This article is full of sound common sense. I believe that being over-controlling of our children keeps them in a state of emotional immaturity. Send them out there with constant prayers for their protection and that God will grant them wisdom not to fall for the wrong kind of person. We have to convey the message that we don’t live in constant fear of them getting into trouble but that The Lord will help them make wise choices. My husband and are in our sixties now. We tried not to interfere too much in our daughters’ friendships with young men, but we did pray, A LOT! All three married fine Christians, for which we are constantly grateful. P.S. After writing this, I noticed that Margaret Stroud has made more or less the same points in fewer words!
I think that dating and courtship are appropriate, as both have been practiced and been successful. I don’t think it necessary to “control” your children to make this very serious and life long decision. However, a parent’s advice is very important because they are stewards for that gift from God that we call children.
The rise in divorce for Christians is shockingly high and deserves more consideration. I have thought and studied about this terrible fact. When God is not the King of your life, your commitment is muddled in the system of the world and religion (form without power). When times are difficult, some think that the vows you made can be broken. Surely, in the New Testament, that is true, but it is, also, true that two people have become one flesh. Tearing away half a person is a sin that has extreme consequences and honors the one that seeks to “kill, steal, and destroy.”
When Christ is King, the little home, 3 children, and the white picket fence may have to take a backseat, when you are called to be a missionary or whatever your gift and destiny will take you. Are two young people mature enough to commit to God is always #1 and trust His plan? For children of 21 that never had to pay a bill, lead any group of people, and have little experience of life besides school, they really need the wise counsel of committed Christian marriages. I’m 51 now, but when I was young, I thought I knew a lot of the things that “pertained to life and godliness.” I didn’t, I knew the surface knowledge. It is the wisdom of someone that has “been there and done that” and a wise counselor that commits their children on a righteous path.
The world today has a million ways to “wholeness,” “perfect peace,” “master life coaches,” and many different paths that tangents off Scripture and adds something new to bump up sales. People have found that Dr. Spock didn’t have the answer in raising children. But, God does. When He is honored, trusted, obeyed, and we have a stewardship and integrity mind, He is #1 and accepting anything less than Him being #1 is totally unacceptable. He is the true compass, and it’s better to have to make small corrections in course, than trusting the wisdom of men and the world’s values.
The kingdom of God righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit, if the prospective future son/ daughter in law is missing fruit, you will have more than your share of life’s problems.
A lot of good advice here, but I think it is unfortunate that the author so badly misrepresented the idea of ‘courtship’ to define it according to extreme conservative views. What the author portrays as courtship, I would call ‘dysfunctional courtship’ (and I’d probably disqualify the word ‘courtship’ from the phrase). For example, ‘controlling fathers’, ‘permission to date’ and ‘chaperoning’ are all part of a very narrow, conservative view of ‘courtship’ that ought not to be part of a healthier concept of courtship. I have read through and discussed ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ with all six of our children (who now are all young adults), but saw it as having some excellent input in the area of proper and mature attitudes toward relationships that traditional dating has been sadly lacking in, rather than a manual for romance. It influenced the attitudes of our children, but each applied it in his or her own way in their own relationships. Pick out the best stuff and set aside other stuff. I think Thomas has painted a bit of a black or white, either this or that, false dichotomy where ‘traditional dating’ solves all the problems facing young people today. As a result, it looks like more of a reaction against a particular, extreme brand of courtship he was involved with, rather than an objective discussion of how to solve the problems that today’s teens are facing. Thomas does give some excellent advice, but so does Harris. Combine the two to create a healthier concept of ‘going out’/’traditional dating’/courtship. As one who has worked with 18-23 year-olds for 31 years, I don’t think ‘traditional dating’ as described here, or Harris’ book, really addresses the main problems in a deep enough or practical way. I would see some of the main problems (without offering any solutions here) as being: a) not every one you date will take it as lightly as you (for some, simply saying ‘hey’ lights an inferno of infatuation, so one needs to be mature enough to navigate through real life where feelings of some you ask on a date are going to get ramped up even after just one date) b) kids do tend to like someone enough to ‘go out’ pretty early (i.e., ‘going out’) at 13 or 14 years of age. It is easy to tell them to not date the same person twice in a row, but then real life shows up. The ‘don’t date the same person twice in a row’ is going to go out the window very quickly, so how do we deal with this problem in real life (grandpa and grandma lived in a very different world) c) The author’s argument that ‘traditional dating’ leads to less temptation is a jaw dropper that is out of touch with reality. (Of course, I would say that ‘courtship’ as defined by Thomas is not likely any better). Dealing with sexual temptation is not a simple matter of choosing traditional dating or courtship, but has a lot to do with developing character and a healthy, growing relationship with God and people.
My sense is that Thomas is a mature and wise individual who has some excellent advice, but has he forgotten what it is like to be 15 again? Teens do not have the same level of maturity and wisdom as he does, and a lot of work needs to be done in putting himself back into the position of a 14 to 16 year-old. Rather than attack a narrow view of courtship, focus on constructive, practical advice that takes the best that the whole range of thinking has to offer, tailor it for the 21st century 14 to 16 year old, and add some considerable experience with that age group in trying to apply it, and then package it up in a way that is useful to parents. An enormous amount can be said about how this can be done, but I don’t think traditional dating or courtship as he has defined it is the solution. Rather, it might be more of a continuum where one transitions into the other, but where mature attitudes are inculcated beginning very early such that, by the time a child reaches roughly 18 of age, they have the maturity and wisdom to be making pretty good decisions about their relationships. For me, it is not an ‘either-or’ approach. Forget the narrow view of courtship given here, take a broader, healthier concept of courtship, amalgamate it with a healthy form of traditional dating that encourages maturity and wisdom and I think one has a good start for a book. Then flesh it out.
My parents had rules about dating: this one was a suggestion: 1. DO NOT DATE SOMEONE YOU’D NEVER WANT TO MARRY BECAUSE YOU DON;T KNOW WHO YOU’ll END UP FALLING IN LOVE WITH. and these were hard and fast rules: 2. YOU CAN NOT DATE A NON CHRISTIAN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER OUR ROOF. 3. NO HEAVY MAKING OUT THAT LEADS TO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. Then they made sure we went to a Christian high school where we’d meet Christian guys. Before that we visited a lot of churches when they had revival meetings etc. and cooperated with their youth outings and went to every Christian youth camp around. I thought growing up some of these things were just to keep us busy but in reality it was putting us in positions to meet and know other Christian young people–young and old. When I had kids I liked those rules and made them ours too. We pastored a small church with only 4 kids or so the same age as ours so we went to faith festivals, neighboring revival meetings–things they had DURING THE WEEK and were loyal to ours on Sunday of course. Whenever there was a youth camp or outing, my kids went. They both dated girls from those things–one of them married one of them–two others we sacrificed to send to a Christian college (and believe me they’re horribly expensive) because they didn’t marry one of those he met at the other places and one is happily married to a young lady he met there and our daughter is no in a relationship with a Christian young man she met there–and in her 4th year no less. ALSO–we prayed MUCH ahead of time for Christian spouses for them. I still have an unmarried son who has not met his Christian “Miss Right” but we put him in all those right places too and are praying for her to come into his life. I’m friends with a lady from India whose arranged marriage works great too. I told her we didn’t arrange our kids marriages but put them in the right places to meet the ones we would approve of. Her far Eastern traditions of marriage however are VERY Christian. The father chooses the bride for his son (God chose us to be the bride of Christ) She then decides whether or not she wants to commit to him. She was chosen 3 times but chose just the one. Then she said the whole thing is about commitment and deciding to love him. She made the commitment–loved what little she knew about him ahead of time but the longer their relationship lasted the more she was in love with him. (so much like us and Jesus) She couldnt wait for their wedding day because she knew he was coming to get her on a white horse. Revelation even talks about that in the 2nd coming!! I’m sure all arranged marriages aren’t as happy as theirs but it works for them.