Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
I really enjoyed your article! My question is do you let the guys know you are dating other people. I wouldn’t want there to be jealousy. But it is exactly right I feel like I’ve been courtship dating. Dating for the purpose of marriage and kinda being intense hoping he’s the one and either settling or scaring them off. It’s hard to not get emotionally attached when you think they’re the only one that is interested in you. Thanks for your tips!
Mr. Umstattd – I can appreciate your concerns about courtship. As a father of 4 daughters, who wants the best for them, I find your conclusions not matching up to my own experiences as a 46 year old man who grew up in a highly sexual culture of dating. Things have gotten even more promiscuous in dating and have even less relationship. I found the link below to be very helpful in defining what courtship really is and what it is not.
http://scottrossonline.com/is-courtship-fatally-flawed-a-response-to-thomas-umstattd-jr/
While I agree with a few of Mr. Umstattd’s observations on some people’s ideas of courtship being flawed, I was raised in a generation of dating, & believe me, it was NOTHING like what Mr. Umstattd has presented. I’ve been on many, many dates in my single years & I can’t even keep track the numerous times men would want a kiss…more like a “make out” session, really…on our FIRST date. The perfect picture he is making about dating is far from accurate. And, getting to know someone on a date was almost a joke! Everyone was SO nervous about how they looked, saying something stupid, (ahem!)…flatulence, stumbling down the stairs in high heels/stepping on her dress at prom, if “something” was hanging out of their nose, or spinach was in their teeth that there was little to no new information learned about the person with which you were on the date. I was so glad to finally get OUT of the dating scene & just be married! Group settings were more a little comfortable, but, not by much, to be honest. You still were looking for an opportunity to talk to the guy you kinda liked to get to know him better without everyone (including him) thinking you were “chasing” him.
To be quite honest, both dating & courtship have definite “sucky” attributes! Maybe interviews & arranged marriages are a better way to go, after all. (Ha!)
Another thing, I noticed something wanting in your post… what about God’s will, design, hand, interception? Do you really think God isn’t big enough, involved enough, or capable enough to work His will into and around our lives despite our inadequacies in this area? Or do you only think that God gets involved on the “bigger” scale items, like: healing, “sin removal”, sparrow deaths, & the like? I mean, what kind of God are you writing about (for?), here? Considering that we have a God that calls Himself our Creator, Deliverer, Redeemer, Father, Bridegroom, Brother, Friend, & more, I think we can gather that He’s pretty closely and intimately acquainted with us and every aspect of our choices, our being, our motives, etc.. AND, with all that, He’s also more interested in our lives and the major outcome of it than our parents or even ourselves. Is He not able to save our failing marriages & even our courtship flaws? Could not the fault of our courtship-styled marriages failing more frequently, if that IS truly the case, lie in our own fairytale and self-centered beliefs that, if we follow some prescribed method, we will somehow marry the perfect person for us & our spouse will meet all our deep needs for love and approval? Courtship isn’t about marrying the perfect person to have all our needs met. It’s about, in my opinion, avoiding certain purity & predatory issues that are already extremely prevalent in our current methods of dating.
I hope my response helps someone out there to see that dating, in the way suggested by Mr. Umstattd, is far from a perfect way of finding a mate. Our current way of dating is basically practice for divorce.
You obviously didn’t read the post. Umstaddt addresses faulty dating as a pattern for divorce. That is not what he accentuated as the alternate path. I know he doesn’t need me as an advocate, but your post seems to miss the very point he is making.
Hi, my name is Aaron, I’m 18, and I love this post!! I agree with everything except for the part under “Suggestions for both Single men and Single Women” where you said “Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.” I personally don’t feel comfortable going out on multiple dates with multiple people all the time. I would much rather date one person that I’m interested in and do it in a healthy way with God as our focus. If you the relationship doesn’t work, then, because God was at the center of it, I can move on without complete and utter disappointment, as well as know what I like and don’t like, and what I want and don’t want in a person. I would also still have a great friend, might I add, if the relationship doesn’t work out because it ended in a healthy way.
Just some of my thoughts on this post and the topics of Courtship and Dating. Thanks for posting this on your blog!! I do seem to be in favor of “Traditional Dating” after reading this post!
Thomas,
Your article has been pivotal in helping my wife and me wrestle through this topic.
Until a couple days ago, our soon-to-be 16 year old daughter knew that we were anti ‘dating’ and more pro-courtship.
My wife forwarded your article to me about 6 weeks ago. As we got to talking about the topic, your article really helped gel our thoughts on the topic.
My biggest hang up about dating was the exclusivity piece of it – the current definition of dating (or as you say it, ‘going steady’). Conversely, my biggest hang up with the courtship model is that it doesn’t leave ANY room for guys and girls to get to know each other one-on-one in a casual, pressure-free environment.
So, what are parents to do? Well, after much thought, discussion, and prayer, we came up with a Dating Agreement for our daughter – heavily leveraging a lot of the themes you raise in the article.
It’s not a contract, but an agreement – based in trust.
We went over it with her just this weekend and she really appreciated the amount of time and thought we put into it as well as the nod we gave to her to be trusted to go out with guys non-exclusively.
I’m happy to share it with you if you’d like. Just send me an email.
Thanks again for being faithful to what the Lord has called you to do and has put on your heart.
I can’t help but think that this article is based on an assumption of a flawed relationship between teens and their parents. A teen should be obedient to his or her parents directions and at least respectful of them as a young adult. While I would certainly not want my children to marry according to my opinion of an individual, I would hope that they value my insight and perspective. If there is a MUTUAL love and respect between parent and child, there is no need for heavy-handedness or disobedience. As a mom of three teens, I am trying to love and guide them in the right direction, but ultimately their choices are their own. When they make mistakes, I want to be there to help them move forward. I’m not anywhere close to doing these things perfectly, but I’m sure gonna try. Most importantly, parents, pray fervently for your children every day and ask the Father for wisdom to be the best you can be for them. Amor Omnia Vincit!
Amen, Melissa!
A lot of it has to do with how a relationship is going between the teen/parent and so on. I am a mature single adult and love the relationship I have with my parents. We can talk about anything pretty much. I trust them and they trust me. I VALUE their opinions, insights etc… and would love for them to approve of whomever chooses to date/court me.
Umstaddt does a brilliant job of describing an acute problem in evangelical circles. THANK YOU. As an almost 60 year old parent with two almost thirty year old single children, this article prompted me to issue a public apology to my children on Facebook. I always sensed there was a problem in what they were being taught at church regarding relationships with the opposite sex. Here is what I posted.
“I would like to publicly apologize to my children that I was not more vigilant in what they were being taught in churches which we attended as they were growing up. I am posting this to apologize to them, and to warn countless other parents and teenagers to insure that they don’t allow their children to be taught the unwise (and not necessarily biblical) approach to finding a life mate called “Courtship”. I never was a proponent of this ideology, but I didn’t realize that my kids were being fed this as truth. My daughter recently said that she was taught this philosophy for 10 years. It is not truth. I and other fathers have tried to put our fingers on what was taught. My friend Russell Cushman amusingly called it the philosophy of “daughters being ugly for Jesus”. Speaking seriously however, I think it is one of the fundamental reasons that many young people who were brought up in evangelically oriented homes have so much trouble finding a spouse with whom to share their lives. This young man has succinctly set forth my thoughts and feelings on this matter. I laud him. This philosophy was incorporated in a book called “I kissed dating goodbye”. Although my kids never read this, I am afraid they were influenced by teachers who read it. The author was the victim of childhood sexual abuse and such trauma greatly affects a persons ability to write objectively on matters concerning relations with the opposite sex and marriage. It doesn’t disqualify him, but it is important in understanding where he is coming from. I do think my children survived this and are wonderful healthy adults, who all have a strong love for God and who truly follow Jesus’ command to love their neighbors as themselves. For this I am grateful. Most of us just did the best we could.”
Mr. Umstaddt, please write a book on this. I will buy 10 copies and give it to each parent I know that is serious about raising their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. This is a dialogue that the church MUST have now or we will allow the enemy to use our own faith paradigm to destroy our communities of faith by attrition and deprive our young people of the blessing of a help mate.
In Christ
Faber McMullen
Lawyer & Rancher, Navasota, Texas
Joshua Harris was a victim of childhood abuse? Can you give me the source. I have never heard of that until now….
Here’s the link to Joshua Harris’ abuse
http://www.christiannewswire.com/news/8776172164.html
Is there someway to check this blog going straight to the most recent posts? There must be an easier way than sifting through dozens of pages.
Man I can’t seem to find the new comments except when I post something new. Anyone have this problem?
I have the same problem and no one seems to give the answer. I guess the author doesn’t read the comments.
I haven’t read all the comments–too many–but one thing doesn’t seem to be addressed. Why doesn’t the boy’s parents get a say in who their son dates? In this day and age, the guy is just as likely to be a victim of sexual aggression as the girl. Maybe the girl should have to ask permission from the boy’s mother. Then the practice wouldn’t be sexist. But it would still be over-the-top. Minor children’s dating should be monitored by the parents (both parents) of both boy and girl. When they are adults, they put away childish things, including the need to ask permission.
Yes, I think this would be a good subject for a book. Apparently there are two extreme thoughts in today’s world. Those who follow an anything goes mentality and those who want to go back to the seventh century like Muslims.
A huge problem is that in this day and age, “experimenting” with our sexual desires is far too rampant. There are no morals or boundaries in the world, really. Thus, the reason why Christian parents are wanting their kids to be careful and yes, even seek their approval/permission in who they date/court/go out with. It’s a safeguard. Just look at all the perverts out there, the creeps and the seemingly nice guys who aren’t so nice.
And really, I think there is a reason why the girls parents are more protective than the guys parents. Rarely do you hear of a girl taking a guy out and murdering him. However, the opposite occurs daily in some part of the world.
Boys still traditionally ask the girls out. But if a boy tells his parents who he is interested in, then the parents can voice their opinion.
A huge problem is that in this day and age, “experimenting” with our sexual desires is far too rampant. There are no morals or boundaries in the world, really. Thus, the reason why Christian parents are wanting their kids to be careful and yes, even seek their approval/permission in who they date/court/go out with. It’s a safeguard. Just look at all the perverts out there, the creeps and the seemingly nice guys who aren’t so nice.
And really, I think there is a reason why the girls parents are more protective than the guys parents. Rarely do you hear of a girl taking a guy out and murdering him. However, the opposite occurs daily in some part of the world.
Your grandmother seems like a very cool lady! I must agree not allowing kids to ‘go steady’ but date light seems the better way. Who knew the old ways could be the most current.
Really good stuff… I can’t chew it all in one sitting. I have a [very soon to be] 17 year old daughter who has a beau and this information helps me in my quest to lead her but not be a lid for her. Thank you!
You make some very good points and I agree that something is indeed wrong when young people are getting into their mid to late twenties and have never had any sort of relationship. I don’t entirely agree that Courtship is fundamentally flawed as much as I think we need to recognize that every pattern instituted by man, no matter how “Biblical,” is potentially a form of legalism that will likely fail to produce the desired results. It can become a superstitious rite intended to force God to grant a perfect marriage.
That being said, whatever model one adopts, traditional dating, courtship, or going steady must always be tempered with Godly behavior and wisdom. Parents should be involved, Christians should not date unbelievers, a forward looking eye toward marriage should place parameters on your activities and the duration of the relationship, etc.
The assumption is dating preceded courting. This of course is not true. Prior to the car, the only path to marriage was courtship.
There appears to be an assumption that courting/ dating ritual is tied to divorce rate. I would like to submit that change in divorce laws have a greater influence on the rate.
Prior to the introduction of no fault divorce, a spouse had to prove the ‘fault’ (e.g. adultery, desertion, cruelty etc.) of the other spouse in order to obtain a divorce; although spouses and their lawyers were usually able to negotiate “uncontested” divorces.[citation needed] The no-fault divorce revolution began in 1969 in California; New York was the latest state to allow non-consensual no-fault divorce
In our day (those who are now 60 ish) dating was much more I suppose like what people somehow try to call courtship. (meaning we didn’t just meet up with someone and have casual sex). We met in groups. When we were attracted to one we began spending time together. We got engaged. We got married. I was married at 22 and my wife was 23. We were married about 5 months from when we met, and we’ve been married since 1979. The “mechanism” of the courtship dance isn’t the important thing. What is important is the values that individuals take into the relationship. We were attracted to one another and didn’t compromise our faith as we got to know one another. We did plenty of kissing and I think it just helped us realize we needed to get married. I’ve read about the “courtship” that is criticized in this article and it is spot on. It’s goofy and unnatural. I almost think it is a legalistic satanic tool to keep young believers from the natural process of finding a mate and getting on into life.
I enjoyed reading this article, you brought up some very good topics. I can see how traditional dating could be a good thing. But have you ever thought about praying for God to bring the right person into your life, and then trusting him to do so? Do you think that marriage would last?
I just wanted to say I’m sorry that the definition of ‘courtship’ was so , for a lack of better word messed up for you. My husband and I do courtship a different way. When a guy is interested in our daughters, he becomes a member of our family in a way… we explain that until our daughter and us ,as her parents discuss it together do they have a date. ( a date is when you are going one on one with them ).During the time he hangs out with us,doing family night, dinners and working out on the farms with us .We get to know him, after a while we ask our daughter what she thinks? Would she like to date him ? We give our option.. but mostly we keep the lines of communication open. The guys also needs to understand that he won’t be the only guy courting our daughter and or going out on dates with her. Other boys are welcome. My daughter has an idea of who she wants but better yet she has a strong relationship with the Lord. She understands a guy or husband will not make her happy, only God. A husband will just help make life more fulfilling. Another thing is that she wasn’t encouraged to start this roller coaster ride until she was 15. She got really good at says ‘ I have no time for boys and dating, I don’t need the headache’. But when the time came she was a more confident person because she knew herself better and she had a few years of hanging out with boys learning to be a friend.
You have pretty much described what we called “dating” in our day.
Wow! This is an eye opener. I have always believed in courtship as the right way for a christians to date, but I can relate to a lot of the flaws of courtship now. A month ago I called off my wedding after courting, dating, and then being engaged for 9months to the one and only man for three years. There was so much pressure for marriage even though getting married is one of my dreams. I felt suffocated and confused, even though I love him dearly I just couldn’t get married like that. Courtship was actually my idea, so my parents always said to me to go out and date “the field” and I always thought that was wrong. I thought “How can I be pure and look for the right man to marry if I am just dating around,” but it makes a lot more sense now. I do agree that the promiscuity in dating today is the reason why so many christians hoppd on the band wagon of courtship. Thank you for sharing these ideas and concerns with us.
Is there anyway to go to recent comments on this blog without pressing the “newer comments” button over and over? Sometimes I’d like to comment on people’s comments and there seems to be no easy way to get to recent comments.