Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
Well done sir. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I just turned sixteen and am heading into my junior year of high school and going to a high school for these last two years(parents said I needed the challenge and that I was plenty ready for it). Being homeschooled has helped me think a lot and this is one of the topics that has ran through my mind and have been trying to make sense between dating and courtship. This has helped a lot and thank you so much for writing this. You finished combining the two for me instead of me working through the process myself, I need that often. I’m going to send this to a couple friends and see what they think.
Thanks again!
Levi
I find myself nodding in agreement with so much in this post. I’ve long been concerned with a belief among some Christians that you should be ready to commit your life to someone before you even get to know him/her.
I haven’t ever heard of the system of dating that your grandmother mentioned and I think it’s brilliant! One of the best lines against dating I ever heard was ‘why prepare for the longest term relationship of your life through a series of short term relationships?’ But that was because when I was dating, it was in the 80’s, when it was more ‘serial monogamy’ and you’d often just stick around with someone who you’d never consider marrying. I do think this isn’t good. Really love the ‘don’t go out with the same person 2 times in a row’.
Dear Thomas,
In just a few words… You missed the boat.
I knew Sono and Greg Harris, Josh’s parents. I know what he meant and what he wrote. We don’t live in the society that you describe. Most kids today have “hooked up” long before they ever dated for the first time. The premise is that you would become friends, date in groups, date with families, trek with families, etc and begin to understand who you are as well as learning personality types you like. Courting begins when 2 find they really like each other and it naturally evolves into a fonder relationship. I know many many kids ( my own included ) who have grown up married their best friends and love spending time together and they know each other well. Courting in the true sense of the meaning ( which your grandmother did ) is an engagement period, you are done dating others. Not having intimate relations before marriage keeps the mind and heart clear of other relationships and allows for a free giving of self. Kids who grow up with respect for others and boundaries in relationships make better spouses, providing they have had good parenting and character development along the way.
So wait…I don’t get it. This article, essentially opposed to courtship, was written by the founder of a website whose purpose is “to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical.” Are you suggesting that practical courtship is achieved by avoiding it? Very confusing.
You also have some interesting points on the “advantages of traditional dating”, some of which I agree with (more interacting), others not at all. For instance, you say “More Matchmaking – … How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father?” Blind dates? Really?? And as far as getting permission from a girl’s father, if a young man is seeking to “date” a girl still living under her father’s roof & protection, why WOULDN’T you want permission? And then you go on to advise young men to “just move on to the next girl” if she says to speak to her dad. That certainly shows not only lack of respect of her father, but also for her! But then again, this is coming from someone who says “Money makes you more attractive.” No, the having a job does. Why place so much value on worldly standards?
The Christian homeschooling lifestyle is isolating by nature, yet your advice is lacking in practicality for the very families you speak of.
Does the woman need to get the Man’s Monther’s permission to go on a date with him? I mean if the guy has to get the dad’s permission then it only makes sense that the Woman would need to get the mom’s permission. At least if I’m following this right.
That’s sure a lot of officiating for a first date where they don’t even know if they like each other yet or want to pursue marriage.
“Courting begins when 2 find they really like each other and it naturally evolves into a fonder relationship. ”
I’m glad that’s your definition of courtship, it sounds like healthy “dating.” The author’s definition of courtship, and the one I’ve found in my circle to be true as well is:
1. Identify someone who is potential marriage material from afar. (No one-on-one time of course, so rely on your special mental powers here, but remember, only someone who is potential marriage material!) If you are female: hope, pray, and cry alone. If you are male: Go directly to female’s father.
2. Father gives or revokes permission to see daughter. (Sucks if the couple in question were compatible and father didn’t like the male’s hairdo/tattoo/etc.)
3. Assuming permission granted, begin marriage preparation. During this time you can spend more time getting to know one another, not too much time alone. (Don’t know about you, but I get to know people best one-on-one, and would feel awkward if my non-romantic get togethers with my best friend or sibling were chaperoned, much less with my potential husband, but okay)
4. At this point you find out if you’re really compatible. You are? Great! You win the courtship prize. You’re not compatible, but you’re already on the “marriage path” of courtship? Uh-oh. One of two choices: a. Break it off, and be accused of ‘trifling’ with one another, not being ‘serious’ about finding a mate, and spend months recovering from the trauma. b. Keep at it anyway! Maybe after you get married and have a few kids, you’ll get along better.
Exactly! It makes a huge difference how you define courtship. “Courting begins when 2 find they really like each other and it naturally evolves into a fonder relationship” makes sense. That is what courtship used to mean until it came to mean a specific philosophy/program of courtship.
I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and agreed with it (in general). I have never dated and never want to, but not because of the book. I’d rather get to know men as friends in real life and totally non-romantic situations, and save my dating for when courtship begins. 🙂 Casual dating may work for some–I’m not opposed to it in it’s entirety. But it has it’s pitfalls and it’s not for me. But that really wasn’t what Harris’ books were about, unless I misread them.
Hi! When first read this I was like woah, SO different.For the past few years, Ive been listening to a few role models of mine telling me that i should court and courting is the best way to go. I had my doubts but I listened. I am really happy that someone like you had the courage to to post this because really youve changed my life. I am so going to post this on Facebook and hopefully you will know how much youve not only changed my life, but as others as well.Thanks so much for this amazing article !
I am in a community that practices traditional dating. However, I am 37 years old, and no man has ever asked me on a date. I have male friends and I meet many Chrstian men, but I can’t seem to get past the friendzone. What advice would you recommend?
It is my experience that there really isn’t a true “friend zone” with co-ed friends. That is why continuing an intimate friendship with friends of opposite genders after marriage is strongly discouraged if it doesn’t fizzle out on in own; because we are designed to desire deep relationships with other people and the time we share draws us close and leads to deeper feelings, etc. I think that you would be surprised to find out how they really feel… just saying! My advise is Delight thyself in the LORD and HE shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4. God considers marriage a privilege and not a right – seek Him in humility and contentment with the faith that God is NEVER wrong. Blessings!
Actually, marriage is a calling from God, a vocation, not a privilege.
I agree with everything you’re saying here. I’ve become considerably more liberal since leaving my conservative baptist high school, but I like the idea of not dating the same person twice in a row at first. If I have daughters, I’d consider enforcing this on them. It would help reduce the feeling that they owe something to this guy for investing in them, and it would keep them from focusing on one person who doesnt deserve it. However I’m considered that this would make people think that she was playing the field, or that she might get infatuated with the idea of having multiple “boyfriends”. But considering the double standards that men benefit from, I havent decided if that is a bad thing…
I wasnt asked out until I was 20, and by then I had so convinced myself it would never happen that I physically went into shock when a guy asked me to a movie. When I got a boyfriend 7 months later, Ifelt obligated to sleep with him because he was willing to date me when no one else would. I won’t say I regret that, but I know that if I had dated more often and had a higher idea of my own attractiveness and worth, it wouldn’t have happened.
And that’s all I have to say about that…
Your candor and transparency is like a breath of fresh air. When did we get so fake and “on the surface”? Not long ago I had a conversation with a friend regarding a poor choice my oldest daughter had made, that I was concerned about what others thought or what they may say. She share a sermon she heard about a man in a restaurant seated close to a couple people from church who were saying some unbelievable things about him (all untrue). This man was mad and hurt and really struggling with not going to confront them- the Lord spoke to him and said “it doesn’t matter what they say, because I know you and I know the truth, that’s all that matters”. God blesses us with our children, they are a heritage from Him, this reality incites the burning desire to make the best decisions… As long as the devil and his minions rule the world people will talk and gossip, if you are seeking God first and His will for you and your family you have nothing to worry about… remember that He knows everything and He knows the TRUTH AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!!
This is so on point. I’ve had very similar thought recently. Thank you for voicing this.
Great post! I would also like to see thoughts whether a woman (in her 20s or 30s that is able to support herself) break up a relationship with someone if their parents do not approve if the issue does not directly violate Biblical standards? (for example, a great age difference).
I agree that this would make an excellent book!
Congratulations! You are the first person I have heard advocating dating over courtship for the sake of good marriages rather than for fun, personal freedom, or some other reason. I am single and would like to get married. Only once did a guy ask my father to date/court me, and I am eternally grateful that he said no in that instance. I have gone out with guy friends a few times, but only twice have I ever been asked out. The flippancy toward marriage that I had witnessed in the dating culture prompted me to write a blog post asking “Whyever not arranged marriage?” Your conclusion of its infeasibility in our modern culture is precisely my conclusion.
The problem with America’s divorce rate, and the divorce rate in the church is courtship? If this weren’t so sad, it would be funny. Please read the Bible.
Jim, please read the article. You missed it, apparently.
I found this blog post very refreshing, encouraging and eye-opening. Thank you for the fresh perspective. As I was reading I just couldn’t keep from thinking about how many of our traditions leave little room for the ONLY things that matter: the Lord Jesus Christ and His Grace. I pray that your blog will encourage readers to examine their hearts and seek God for the wisdom to know what is right for them and/or their families; and the courage to walk boldly in the leading of our God and Creator… even if they must walk alone.
May the Lord richly bless your efforts.
In Christ,
M
YES. I have often found myself wishing I lived in another decade where dating was more encouraged. When my grandmother told me the extremely short and un-complicated story about how she met my grandfather, my reaction was “He just called you up and asked you out?? And you said yes???” I was about 20 at the time, and I had been in about a dozen complicated relationships, but I had never been just asked out before. Even now (I’m 25, and still single), the last guy who asked me out did so on twitter.
My issue with the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” courtship model is that it seems to be based so much on fear. It’s encouraged by parents who fear that their children will make the same mistakes they did, and perpetuated by their children who have been raised to be afraid of getting hurt–as if it will really hurt less to break up with someone just because you never kissed them. I’ve had some painful dating experiences, but they’ve all changed me in some way. If I had avoided the pain, I would have avoided some of the character I’ve gained and the lessons I’ve learned. Sometimes, protecting yourself from pain ends up hurting you even more.
I just married an amazing man. And we did a courtship type method. The wonderful thing is that neither of us had every gotten serious with anyone else. That was and is a huge blessing. We both had liked other people and had talked to them, but never went pass the friendship level. We have actually known each other for over 3 years through work, but until last fall had never really been fully interested in each other. When my now husband first came to church in November, I was very skeptical of us being able to be compatible seeing as he had never been to church before. But after attending a few more services, researching Christianity on his own, and being offered a Bible study, accepted Christ. Now he is a growing Christian. Learning more about God in his bible study with the pastor and on his own. We were very rigid with our physical contact and time we spent exclusively from people. But it has made our marriage stronger I feel. We also know the boundaries of what is proper in public with the physical compared to at home. We both look back on our courtship and can see only God guiding us into each others lives as we gave up on ever being able to find “The One.” I do think that parents and kids need to have some wiggle room and that a lot can be said for just observing those around you. I have spent much time observing teachers, college professionals, and couples in my church to get an idea of what type of man I wanted to marry. Plus reading good Christian books on marriage and dating/courtship. Great article!!
Tom, I may have overlooked it, but I did not see where you share the story of your own marriage. Given the nature of this post, I’m assuming you are married. How did you meet and marry your own wife?
I WILL MARRY YOU LADY ON THE BENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, yes, yes!!!!! I have been saying this also for quite some time. Courtship is too focused on marriage. You have to truly get to know someone BEFORE you make a commitment to them, even just a commitment to date them exclusively.
This is timely and well written. We’ll always miss the balance. The church needed Josh Harris when he was given, and I believe we need this now.
Thank you so much. I really enjoyed your article. I have a 13 year old and we homeschool. He doesn’t date yet and frankly we didn’t know what we were going to do about dating and relationships. This article was very helpful. It was nice to have a clear definition of courtship and the contrast with dating. I think I prefer the dating for him – dating as your grandparents did, but I think we will have him wait just a little bit longer.
thanks for sharing. I have been married twice. The second time to the love of my life for 34 years. It has lasted because I put the Lord first. He always gave me the love, patience and perseverance when times were tough. Our faith together in the Lord has kept us happily together! Thanks for sharing.
I’d strongly encourage asking the question, “if the Bible speaks to marriage as the reflection of Christ’s relationship with His church, then does the Bible say anything about the approach to marriage being similarly a reflection of Christ and His bride?”
I’ve studied this, and my conclusion to the question is a definite “Yes.”
From studying this question, I don’t believe that the Bible mandates (or even encourages) the 6-point definition of courtship given here. I courted my wife, and I find much of the description of courtship in this article to be quite the caricature. 🙂 But I also believe that traditional dating is quite far off the mark. There is a lot of Biblical flexibility in how the approach to marriage is specifically formulated, but I think one key element is that the guy should be submitted to, and receive the permission and blessing of, the girl’s spiritual leaders, in the approach to marriage. That can include her father and/or other spiritual leaders in her life too, and it has absolutely nothing to do with those people being controlling or not. 🙂 The idea that those spiritual leaders are in control of relationship and have to chaperone the dates is very far from the mark, and I do not believe that concept is consistent with courtship done biblically.
Telling a guy to “move along” if a girl wants him to talk to her father really goes against the biblical model. Guys, don’t just move along. And telling a girl to rebel against her parents in the matter of courting vs dating is also unbiblical. The biblical instruction to honor our parents comes with a promise. Girls, be wise and follow God’s instruction in that matter.
Guys — having prayerfully developed thoughts about the way the approach to marriage should work is good. Study how Christ woos and pursues His church. See how you can be a reflection of His love. Whether you call it “courting” or “dating”, be biblical in your approach to marriage.
Wow! Thank you. As a home school parent, I embraced the idea of courtship for my kids in an effort to thwart the “ownership, exclusivity and sexuality ” that seems to come with todays dating. When my friends and family would ask what courting meant, I stumbled to explain it. Now I know why. I actually agree with the “traditional dating” more than courting. I have shared this article with my kids 18yr & 15yr to open dialogue on what “dating” means to them. Thank you for this very insightful view.
This article has a ton of great points, but I find myself stuck on one question: what are young people to do when there’s a third problem of limbo between dating and courtship? Let me explain:
I’m a junior at a small Christian university. It’s a very diverse yet close-knit community, and for the most part, the student body has a reasonably modern or liberal attitude about many issues. I like that about my school. But we do this weird thing that we call “frugaling,” and it frustrates me to no end. Frugaling is basically when a girl and a guy meet, eventually become interested in each other, become something resembling a “best friend” sort of relationship, and take forever and a half to commit to each other. It’s not “talking,” it’s not “dating” or “going steady” (although it really is going steady but without that title), it’s not “courting,” it’s just frugaling.
I’m not sure if this pattern is totally nationwide, or just nationwide in church culture, or just on my weird little campus. But whatever it is, I’m sick of it. Because the result is this: no one is going on dates anymore. Ever. Sure, these couples that get through their frugaling stage (which lasted far too long) will go on to have monthly date nights or what have you, but outside of that, no one is asking anyone out. So when I read this article and stumble upon your suggestions for girls, they don’t quite apply to a lot of us. I can’t put into practice the habit of accepting a date, because no one has asked me out on a date in my life. And to be clear, I have never been in a community which nurtures the courtship system. I grew up in fairly non-traditional churches, attended public schools from kindergarten to graduation, and now go to a fairly non-traditional Christian university. The reason no one will ask me out is not because they’re afraid of my father, it’s because they’re stuck in this weird limbo where they would rather “hang out” or “chill.”
So my question is this–for a young, modern, accidental feminist, what am I supposed to do about this? If I sit back, I may never be asked on a date and I may never frugal with the right guy. Where do I go from here?
I can relate to your frustration, but for different reasons. I was homeschooled K-12 and was then dropped into a state university of 16,000+. I adjusted in about a week, and over the years I got more and more frustrated, not because I didn’t get asked on dates (I did), but because I kept saying “no”. I was frustrated that I didn’t meet anyone there who had morals, manners, or just a compatible personality. And at my church, it was even worse in the compatibility department. So I graduated, still was frustrated, and pretty much gave up, and it was then that I met my boyfriend. My suggestion to you: don’t worry about it too much, and just make friends for the sole reason of making friends because you’ll learn a lot about dating even from that. You’ll be out of school before you know it, and then you’ll more easily be able to go to other social circles. 🙂
Wow, you guys have a word for it? Frugaling? That’s awesome. I haven’t heard this trend labeled before, but I have noticed it, and I imagine it’s got to be awful. That is the one thing that the courtship-dating discussion lacks, is the fact that our society is no longer “dating”. We’re maybe “talking” at best. People either just randomly “hook-up” with strangers, or they just “hang out” and then if they’re lucky, randomly get engaged.
My husband and I slid into our relationship right as this trend was occurring and I’m so thankful we made it in time. It ultimately comes down to men not wanting to risk themselves and make a commitment to ask a girl out, for fear of rejection. So much easier to ask to chill, and then if you don’t wind up “chilling”, no big deal, wasn’t anything romantic there anyway, right? And then guys want to complain about being “Friendzoned.”
I wish I had advice for you as a female in that culture, but I don’t. Hopefully someone wiser than me can offer it for you, and hopefully guys will realize that they will have to grow some and express a romantic interest in a girl if they want to move past the “friendzone” of “Frugaling.”
I have been looking for this for years!!! This is my new mantra and is now required reading for my kids. I have 4 teenagers and couldn’t figure out what our dating policy was. It was basically nothing, as you said. They have been waiting and waiting to be able to do something. But I knew it was royally missing something. Thank you so much for putting this is writing and it pains me that it comes out of so many peoples’ suffering and loneliness.