Author’s Note: This blog post has been expanded and clarified in my book Courtship in Crisis.
I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we were hiding from the cops and getting our textbooks from public school dumpsters. When I was a teenager, my friends started reading this new book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For months we could talk of little else. After reading it myself, I grew into as big an opponent of dating as you could find. Dating was evil and Courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.
My grandparents would often ask why I wasn’t dating in high school. I explained what courtship was and quoted Joshua Harris, chapter and verse. Their response surprised me.
“I don’t think courtship is a smart idea,” my grandfather said.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?” my grandmother wondered every time the topic came up. I tried to convince them but to no avail. They both obstinately held to the position that courtship was a foolish idea.
Well, what did they know? They were public schooled. I ignored their advice on relationships, preferring to listen to the young people around me who were passionate advocates of courtship.
As I grew older, I started to speak at homeschool conferences and events. I talked with homeschool parents, students and alumni all over the country and started to see some challenges with making courtship work.
Some of the specific challenges I identified were:
- Identification (Finding that other person)
- Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
- Initiation (Starting the relationship)
So I founded PracticalCourtship.com. Its purpose: to instigate a national conversation about how to make courtship more practical. Visits and comments poured in from all over the country about how to make courtship work and why it did not work.
Each year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded. Then couples who did get married through courtship started getting divorced. I’m talking the kind of couples who first kissed at their wedding were filing for divorce.
This was not the deal!
The deal was that if we put up with the rules and awkwardness of courtship now we could avoid the pain of divorce later. The whole point of courtship was to have a happy marriage, not a high divorce rate.
So I humbled myself and took my grandmother out for dinner to hear why she thought courtship was a bad idea all those years ago. She had predicted the failure of courtship back in the 90s and I wanted to understand how and why.
Now let me define what I mean by “courtship”.
So what is courtship anyway?
After 20 years there still is no general consensus as to what courtship is. But here are the elements most conservative communities have in common:
- The man must ask the woman’s father’s permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
- High accountability (chaperones, monitored correspondence, etc).
- Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary from community to community).
- The purpose of the courtship is marriage
- High relational intentionality and intensity
- High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a “permission and control” role rather than the traditional “advice and blessing” role held by their fathers.
The Case for Traditional Dating
My grandmother grew up in a marginally Christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity. They were not the Bible-reading, small-grouping, mission-tripping Christian young people common in evangelical churches today.
And yet her community of friends all got married and then stayed married for decades and decades. So what on earth were they doing that worked so well? Over dinner, my grandmother shared her story about what dating was like back in the 30s and 40s.
When my grandmother dated in middle school (yes, middle school) her parents had one primary rule for her.
The Primary Dating Rule: Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row.
So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.
That sounded crazy to me. So, I asked her the rationale behind it. She explained that the lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity kept the interactions fun and casual. “The guys wouldn’t even want to kiss you!” She said.
The lack of exclusivity helped the girls guard their hearts and kept the boys from feeling entitled to the girl. How could a boy have a claim to her time, heart or body if she was going out with someone else later that week?
She went on to explain that by the time she graduated from high school, she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which Bob she wanted to marry. They got married and stayed married till my grandfather passed away half a century later.
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband,” she said.
It is not that her parents were uninvolved; it is that they played an advisory role, particularly as she entered high school and they relaxed the rules about not going steady.
The Difference Between “Dating” and “Going Steady”
She went on to explain that there used to be a linguistic differentiation between “dating” and “going steady”. “Going steady” meant you were going out with the same person multiple times in a row. It often had symbols like the girl wearing the guy’s letter jacket. This telegraphed to everyone at school that she was “off the market” and that she had a “steady beau”.
It seems that my great grandparents’ rule forbidding my grandmother from going out with the same guy twice in a row was a common rule in those days.
The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady while in middle school.
This is different from my generation, which is encouraged to “wait until you are ready to get married” before pursuing a romantic relationship. This advice, when combined with the fact that “the purpose of courtship is marriage”, makes asking a girl out for dinner the emotional equivalent of asking for her hand in marriage.
I am not convinced that anyone is ever truly ready to get married. Readiness can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved. Marriage will always be a bit like jumping into a pool of cold water. A humble realization that you are not ready and in need of God’s help may be the more healthy way to start a marriage.
As the decades moved on, our language and behavior changed. We stopped using the phrase “going steady” and changed “dating” to mean “going steady”. For example, we would now say “John and Sarah have been dating for 3 months.” when the Greatest Generation would have said “John and Sarah have been going steady for 3 months.”
We then started using new pejoratives like “dating around” and “playing the field” to describe what used to just be called “dating”. Each decade added more exclusivity, intensity, and commitment to dating and saw a subsequent rise in temptation and promiscuity.
It is easier to justify promiscuity when you are exclusively committed to just one person, even if that commitment is only a week old.
In the late 80s and early 90s this promiscuous culture reached its peak. People would “go steady” for just a few weeks and then move on to the next relationship. It was this “hookup and breakup” culture that the founders of courtship were reacting to.
But their proposed solution involved adding even more commitment, exclusivity and intensity, the very things that lead to the problem in the first place. This is why courtship is fundamentally flawed.
The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing.
Or, put another way, they replaced dating with engagement. The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date.
Similarities between Courtship & Engagement:
- They both require the permission of the father.
- They both are intended for marriage.
- They are not “broken up” but are instead “called off”.
- When they are called off there is an inevitable rending of a community as one of the couple no longer feel comfortable spending time with the community of their ex-future spouse.
Young people are expected to jump from interacting with each other in groups straight into “pseudo-engagement”. This is a jump very few are prepared to make. The result is that a commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness.
Why the Courtship Divorce Rate is So High
Recently I have seen a spike in divorces amongst couples who courted. I have a few theories as to why this is. Young people whose parents often maintain veto power on all of their decisions are then expected to make this most important decision without any experience in good decision making. They have no context of who they are, past decision making or an idea of what they are looking for in a spouse.
How can you know what personality you fit well with if you only go out with one other person? The result can be a mismatched couple and a marriage that is difficult to sustain.
Right now all we have little research to go on in terms of the courtship divorce rate. In my observations, some homeschool communities have a much higher divorce rate than others. I would be very interested in seeing some research on this phenomenon. This blog post is my call for more research on the divorce rate amongst couples who “courted” before getting married.
Advantages of Traditional Dating
Less Temptation – It is hard to fall in love with Bob on Tuesday when you know you are going out for coffee with Bill on Thursday. This lack of emotional commitment leads to less physical temptation. Less temptation leads to less compromise. I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.
More Interaction – I know many homeschool girls who are frustrated that they never get asked out on a date. It is not uncommon to find a 21 year old stay at home daughter who has never been asked out on a date. The reason for this is not because the girl is unattractive (although that may be the story she convinces herself of over time).
The real reason is that few guys are willing to ask permission from a woman’s father to marry her before being able to ask her out on a date to get to know her. Even when this permission is requested, it is unlikely to be given.
I know several godly, hardworking and attractive homeschool guys who have been rejected by as many as a dozen fathers. I respect their tenacity. Getting turned down by courtship fathers is tough on guys because the fathers are rarely gentle or kind. So if you are a courtship-minded girl wondering why the guys are not calling, you may want to ask your dad how many guys he has run off.
With Traditional Dating, asking a girl out on a date is no big deal. All the guy is asking to do is to get to know the girl better. Maybe this leads to a deeper relationship, maybe it doesn’t. Either way, the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.
Less Heartbreak – One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” Also let’s not also forget the emotional cost for girls of not being asked out year after year and the emotional cost for guys of being rejected by father after father.
More Marriage – Let’s face it, most married people got married because they dated first. I would even submit that most homeschoolers who do get married supplemented with dating at some point in their journey. Courtship is not resulting in many marriages despite having been advocated by (sometimes unmarried) conservative leaders for nearly 20 years.
More Fun – The institution of marriage is crumbling. Of the last two generations, one won’t get married and the other won’t stay married. A smaller percentage of people are married in America than at any other time. Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of getting married fun. My grandmother made dating in her day sound really fun. Courtship on the other hand can be awkward and emotionally heartwrenching.
Dating also trains people to continue dating their spouse after they get married. It is important for married couples to be able to have fun with each other. The kind of parents who are the strongest advocates of courtship are often the ones who go on the fewest dates with each other.
More Matchmaking – Modern Courtship doesn’t really have a mechanism for matchmaking. How can there be blind dates if the man must first get permission from a father? Courtship relationships are so intense that even introductions can be awkward. I know many happily married couples who met through a blind date or an online matchmaking service like eHarmony. Matchmaking is a time-tested practice that Traditional Dating is fully compatible with. Courtship? Not so much.
More League Awareness – Not everyone has the same level of attractiveness, character, intelligence and wealth. Parents tend to see their own children through rose-colored glasses. Homeschool communities can be a bit like Lake Wobegon where all the children are above average. It is easy for “no guy to be good enough for daddy’s little princess”. The sad result of enforcing this mindset is a daughter who becomes a spinster. With traditional dating guys learn their league by finding out what girls say “yes” to that second date. Girls learn their league by seeing what kind of guys ask them out.
Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating
Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?
If you talk with advocates of modern courtship they speak highly of single people spending time in groups. Group settings reduce the intensity, commitment and exclusivity and thus protect the hearts of single people.
The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”
In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.
The other challenge with group settings is that they are logistically complex. The more people you add to the group, the harder coordination becomes. Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.
But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?
When applying Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, to our lives, it is important to differentiate between Biblical precedent, principle and precept. Just because Jacob had two wives and a seven-year engagement does not mean that God wants all men to have two wives and seven-year engagements.
What we have in the Old Testament is a lot of precedent: each story is different from the last.
For precedents we have:
- the woman as the protagonist in the romance (Ruth & Boaz)
- the man as the protagonist in the romance (Jacob & Rachel)
- the romance arranged by a third party (Isaac & Rebekah)
- the woman entering the man’s harem (David & Abigail, Micah, Bathsheba etc.)
There are some good Scriptural precepts about sexual purity in the New Testament, and there are some principles about the benefits of marrying young and that sort of thing.
But the Bible is surprisingly quiet when it comes to laying out a system of courtship. Courtship Systems are cultural, and the Bible rarely advocates one cultural approach over another. God’s heart is that every tribe and tongue come worship him without having to surrender their food, language or other cultural distinctives in the process.
Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. The arguments for the strong involvement of parents fit arranged marriage much better than they fit courtship.
When I started PracticalCourtship.com, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. In countries like India, that have both arranged marriages and “love marriages,” the arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate. Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.
I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture.
We need a system to help young people make good decisions. Fortunately, we have one: Traditional Dating.
Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free. Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.
Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?
There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.
The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation. The advocates of courtship know this, which is why chaperones are so critical to the system.
The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.
I recently heard a local pastor complaining about a rash of older 20 something women in his church who had given up on finding prince charming. They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship they just grabbed whatever the world was offering.
The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.
Finally, I should say this: Where sin abounds, grace abounds more. I understand Grace to be the power of God to do the will of God. The power of God is greater than the power of our sexualized culture. There is nothing new under the sun and no new temptation that is not already common to man. This is not the first time Christians have lived in a sexualized culture.
If you study history, you will find that this actually happens often. In each of those generations God provided a way out. I believe that for our generation that way is Traditional Dating.
Now Let’s Talk Some Specifics
Suggestions For Single Women
If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.
- If a Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say “yes”. You don’t need to love him to say yes to a first date.
- Be friendly. Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you. Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.
- Don’t make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you. Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner.
- Some guys are hidden gems and are more than meets the eye. Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date.
- If you are not interested in a guy, let him down gently. There is a way to give a firm “no” to a guy without making him feel like a worm.
- Don’t call in your dad to scare him off unless he won’t take the hint. Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort.
- Let the guy pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Single Men
- Start asking girls out. Most girls would love to be asked out and will say “yes” if you would just ask them.
- Realize that asking a girl out for dinner is not the same as proposing marriage.
- If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the “no” for what it is and move on to the next woman. For a better explanation of this point see 7 Reasons I Recommend Avoiding Dragon Guarded Women.
- If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain. Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again. The tide is shifting. The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past. We are entering a kinder, gentler age. Who knows. Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one.
- Get a job. Money makes you more attractive.
- Pay for dinner.
Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women
- Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them.
- Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.
- Keep an eye out for public places where you can have private conversations.
- Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches out there with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parent’s church after you find your sweetheart.
- Have fun.
- Fear God.
Suggestions For Parents
- Try to make marriage attractive to your children by loving and respecting your spouse the best you can. One reason that your children may not be getting married is because they don’t want what you have in your marriage.
- Start dating your spouse again. Do whatever you can to make your marriage a happy one.
- Encourage your sons to ask girls out on dates.
- Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.
- As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands. Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult.
- The gentler you are in giving advice, the more it will be sought.
- Take a step back and trust God to guide your child directly.
- Pray earnestly and persistently for your child.
- Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.
- Don’t force your daughters to stay at home. Let them get out into the world where they can meet godly men. If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond.
- Remember that gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit.
- Treat the person interested in your child as a fellow brother or sister in Christ.
How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship
Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.
The older you are, the easier this conversation will be. I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren.
Listen to them as they share the mistakes they made while dating. Listen to their story of how they fell in love. Just remember that every romance is different and your story will be different. Just because your parents got divorced or live in an unhappy marriage does not doom you to their fate.
Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear. They are afraid that you will suffer the same way they did when they were your age.
Don’t forget that they love you. Explain to them that you all want the same thing: for you to be happily married.
Explain that courtship is not helping you become happily married. Courtship leads to singleness more often than it leads to marriage.
If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that.
Where do we go from here?
Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.
Tweetables:
- The Greatest Generation was encouraged to date and discouraged from going steady in middle school. (Click to Tweet)
- The courtship movement eliminated dating and replaced it with nothing. (Click to Tweet)
- The only tangible difference between an engagement and a courtship is the ring and the date. (Click to Tweet)
- A commitment to courtship is often a commitment to lifelong singleness. (Click to Tweet)
- Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage. (Click to Tweet)
- Being a parent does not make you a Pope for another adult. (Click to Tweet)
- The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. (Click to Tweet)
- When applying Scripture, it is important to differentiate between precedent, principle and precept. (Click to Tweet)
What do you think?
If I have learned one thing running PracticalCourtship.com, it is that courtship is very controversial. Even the definition of the word sparks a debate. That is fine. I am happy to see your thoughts and opinions in the comments. A few requests for the comments:
- Keep the conversation civil. No name calling. Just because you were hurt in the past is no excuse to hurt others in the future.
- Keep the conversation humble. Bragging about how this is not a problem in your family is not very helpful.
- Please read the follow up article before posting comments. I may have already addressed your question in the Q&A post.
- I reserve the right to delete comments. It is not censorship to take your comment off of my personal blog. Remember you can say whatever you want about me or this post on your own blog or Facebook page.
If you think that this post should be expanded into a book to respond to some of the concerns posted below, click here, to get book updates.
This post has turned into a book!
Thank you to everyone who backed Courtship in Crisis on Kickstarter. You can now find the book on Amazon.
I do like some of your arguments. But I would have to disagree on your point of courtship being practically same as engagement. Though I would need to amend this for there has been plenty of whacked out families completely far out in left field over this topic no thanks to Vision Forum’s materials. I have met a few. The courtship model cannot work if both young lady and father are not together with it. But utmost is balance in whatever ‘model’ you want to be guided by. Now more than ever, there is a greater need for fathers (and mothers) to get involved with their children’s lives and to give sound biblical counsel. I do resent your ‘call’ for children to basically rebel against parents and children who do choose to remain under a father’s loving guidance and their determination to discover for themselves how God will answer their desire for mate. God is greater than any ‘model’ but your call would be directed against the abuse and not the healthy families who choose to do things a bit different than how you would like to see it – I am sure.
Colette, you are right, it’s an interesting article. I would like to make one simple statement about this topic by observing what I believe to be the greatest flaw is in that it’s aimed at, what I can only assume is, the “Christian youth” audience. It seems to me that someone such as myself who is gay and identifies more with Buddhist principles of living that seeks compassion and love for all people, then neither this article, nor her concept of courtship, is meant for me and “my kind.” I bristle at her opening statement, “…courtship…was godly, good and Biblical.” The strange thing is that I am a human who is being just as human as the traditional homeschooled Christian youth is. Is it so hard to believe that I could want the same monogamous, loving, long-term relationship, and marriage as anyone else? By making such judgments of who is “good enough” or “Christian enough” for me is a contradiction to everything I believe about the human condition and our necessity for understanding diversity and rejecting privilege. To me, one of the most sincere forms of respect is to truly listen with curiosity to what another has to say. She advocates for respect while dating/courting a multitude of people. Great! I fully support that argument. But the problem I see is that when everyone I date/court each look, act, think, and react just as oneself does then how do you truly live a life that teaches you to be understanding and tolerant of all people? Is that not what I should strive for in my everyday life, which especially carries over into a much healthier dating and married life? After all, a soulmate is someone who is like a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life for better. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But when my criterion is so exclusive to begin with, then one may never find their true “soulmate.” Therefor, I just wish the article was written from the point of view that was tolerant of people such as myself who do not fit neatly into her’s, or anyone else’s, box of courtship or traditional dating, because, you see, the beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Be tolerant, love all people, embody compassion, and above all be open to understanding another person by standing in their shoes. To me, this is successful dating/courting, whether in the gay community or the homeschooled Christian community; and the two are definitely not mutually exclusive. We’re all just people searching for the same thing–true love.
This is an interesting article. I would like to make one simple statement about this topic by observing what I believe to be the greatest flaw is in that it’s aimed at, what I can only assume is, the “Christian youth” audience. It seems to me that someone such as myself who is gay and identifies more with Buddhist principles of living that seeks compassion and love for all people, then neither this article, nor the author’s concept of courtship, is meant for me and “my kind.” I bristle at the opening statement, “…courtship…was godly, good and Biblical.” The strange thing is that I am a human who is being just as human as the traditional homeschooled Christian youth is. Is it so hard to believe that I could want the same monogamous, loving, long-term relationship, and marriage as anyone else? By making such judgments of who is “good enough” or “Christian enough” for me is a contradiction to everything I believe about the human condition and our necessity for understanding diversity and rejecting privilege. To me, one of the most sincere forms of respect is to truly listen with curiosity to what another has to say. She advocates for respect while dating/courting a multitude of people. Great! I fully support that argument. But the problem I see is that when everyone I date/court each look, act, think, and react just as oneself does then how do you truly live a life that teaches you to be understanding and tolerant of all people? Is that not what I should strive for in my everyday life, which especially carries over into a much healthier dating and married life–tolerance? After all, a soulmate is someone who is like a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life for better. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But when my criterion is so exclusive to begin with, then one may never find their true “soulmate.” Therefor, I just wish the article was written from the point of view that was tolerant of people such as myself who do not fit neatly into authors’, or anyone else’s, box of courtship or traditional dating, because, you see, the beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love both who and what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Be tolerant, love all people, embody compassion, and above all be open to understanding another person by standing in their shoes. To me, this is successful dating/courting, whether in the gay community or the homeschooled Christian community; and the two are definitely not mutually exclusive. We’re all just people searching for the same thing–true love.
This has given me a lot to think about… I have preferred the courtship model over the dating model, however, I have always allowed my sons (right now my sons are the only ones old enough to date… my daughters are younger…) a lot of leeway in their own decisions about how to manage this. One son has social anxiety, and it will just simply take him longer… another son had a lot of friends who were girls in his teen years, but wasn’t too interested in dating until he was in college and he did marry the first girl he was truly interested in, but she wasn’t the first girl he had been friends with. She has been a great fit into our family. The next son actually attempted a courtship with a homeschooled girl from a Christian family, and it was a disaster… while my husband and I preferred to take a hands-off advisory role with our son, the parents of the girl were extremely controlling… in the end, my son’s heart was broken and it was cold and ugly. My 4th son had a “going steady” relationship while in early high school, and we had some great opportunities to guide him through this… in the end, he was the one who ended the relationship, and now is not interested in dating until he is closer to college age, but he has many friends who are girls and talks easily with them. So, now, my first daughter is 13yo, and I truly wonder how we will handle this differently with her, as we learned a lot from the failed courtship. I definitely know what I don’t want to do from that experience. I don’t agree with everything in this blog, and I think there are some difficulties with dating that were not mentioned, but, I definitely think there has to be a balance that isn’t available in the courtship model as I have experienced it.
I have never heard of a man wanting to marry a woman being obligated to ask for her hand in marriage from her father, is that only in Christian communities where that is mandatory?
Yes, part of the Courtship Movement Thomas mentioned, made wildly popular by the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, requires asking a girl’s father for her hand in marriage, and is basically an attempted reversion to the era when a marriage was a contract between two people, the suitor and the father of a young woman.
I can only assume that since older posts than the one I originally made have appeared you have chosen not to allow mine on your blog. This is fine, and as I expected since it took direct aim at your “Christian” views. By my way of thinking, whether you are truly an advocate of courting or dating, your article calls for some very specific judgments to first be made about one’s potential partner in this engagement. I find when I make judgements about people based on a criterion of “good” versus “bad” or “Christian” versus “non-Christian” then I feel I do myself a great injustice by not loving myself enough to see “others” with true eyes of compassion, respect, and understanding. You know, Albert Camus is my favorite author and free-thinker. He wrote a wonderful book titled “The Plague” from which he says “But again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. The schoolteacher is well aware of this. And the question is not one of knowing what punishment or reward attends the making of this calculation. The question is one of knowing whether two and two do make four” The point Camus is making is there are times when a man may be killed, mocked, ridiculed, or shunned merely for speaking the truth. The courage to speak the truth about my feelings for myself and those I love, trust, and care deeply for have often left me with heartache and painful separations. Yet, none the less, two plus two shall forever equal four, and I make no apology for the courage it requires to let that truth be made known. I love myself, and those I allow into my life, too much to ever let it be five.
BTW, I was a gospel preacher and did pastoral work for 20 years, and I was also married 20 years and have three children of my own. I kinda like the dating rule you mentioned myself. But my vision now includes seeing far more than just in terms of Christian and non-Christian; saved or unsaved. When I first wrote this brief comment (I know, it’s not so brief once I got done) I included a quote from Luke 10 where Jesus states that we are to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” The lawyer who asked the question could not understand who his “neighbor” was. But the point Christ makes is not who one’s neighbor is, so much as he is saying how can one truly love ones own self if you can not love another person as one should. Hopefully, the love and compassion I attempted to imbibe in my thoughts will guide you, and other readers, to think rationally about how they truly “see” other people, such as myself, that may be different than them, which ultimately translates directly into the point of your article in how we see and deal with potential mates–with tolerance. Interestingly, Christ gives the example of the Good Samaritan immediately following this statement. I think my point could not have been more clear. It’s my desire others would have seen it in that way too.
What does any of this have to do with the original blog post?
Nothing, since he chose not to allow my original post. This was a response meant for the author and what I felt were a narrow and intolerant view since I am both gay and Buddhist.
Some of the things stated in this article is just silliness. The premise that a father is “controlling” if he wants to be asked by a guy to go out with his daughter is ridiculous because that’s what my father asked of his 3 daughters who are all married for over 15 years. His involvement was important to them. You state that dating like you “grandma did”, but many grandparents didn’t necessarily do it the way yours did, but somehow yours did it the right way? My family has a long history of long marriages without divorce and some of them dated and some of them courted. But one thing that has been true throughout most of the family has been our involvement from the beginning of the relationships. Just going to dinner with a bunch of people no more prepares you for picking the right spouse than buying a bunch a tools prepares you to take a motor apart. Involvement and advice from family and friends is important. Learning to be friends and spending time with people will allow you to know who you are attracted to and who is attracted and compatable with you. Starting off tearing down Joshua Harris’ first book to build your own point is lame. Buy the way, he wrote a second one that talks about how to step back into a relationship. You should read it some time. What’s even funnier is that some of your “suggestions” are things he talks about in that book. He just did it better.
I feel like courtship is like an arranged marriage just extremely unhealthy and more time then not at least one person is extremely unhappy. Getting to know someone after getting married is so overwhelming. Courtship is caused from fear of The guilt that people acquire in trying to hold down their sexuality it causes depression, anxiety, and confusion. It is sad that at least one of your parents did not listen to the obviously wiser generation and has in turn made you waste so much time in your life when we don’t have much time on this earth in the first place. I hope you find the person that you can truly love and will love you fully and completely just like The Lord does.
First of all, I totally agree with these statements: “I have no idea how women are supposed to guard their hearts while in an exclusive relationship with the purpose of marriage.” And ” One of the promises of courtship is that it can lead to less heartbreak than dating. I laugh at this to keep myself from crying. This could not be further from the truth. Calling off a courtship can be as emotionally wrenching as calling off an engagement. It can take years to recover from a “failed courtship.” That’s why growing up, I always said I wanted no part of courtship. I also wanted no part of dating! People thought I was crazy and would say things like, “Then how do you expect to get married??” I would always shrug my shoulders and say “God will work it out!” He did, and my husband and I are going on 9 years (5 kids) of an amazing marriage. 🙂
I strongly disagree with your thought that dating is the answer to our problems, however. You said, quoting your grandma: “If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I wouldn’t have known what I wanted in a husband”. Without ever having gone out with a single guy (that makes it sound like I only went out with married guys! Ha! Not what I mean 🙂 ) I had a list of 70-some attributes and qualities that were important for me in a husband. There are many, many other ways to observe and know men than by dating them. You have fathers, brothers, friends of the family, characters in books or movies, men in the Bible, cousins, public leaders… these are all men you can observe to get ideas for the qualities you want in a husband.
You again quoted your grandma: “Don’t go out with the same guy twice in a row. So if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance with Bob on Saturday.” To me, this seems dangerous, because it keeps you in a whirlwind of fresh, new, surface relationships. That feeling of just getting to know someone, the fun, exciting, easy part of a relationship, can be addicting. I’ve seen people who don’t seem to know how to move past that into something meaningful.
You also said: “Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.
The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.” Is this a problem with arranged marriages, or is this a problem with our culture? As Christian parents, my husband and I seek to define a culture for our family that is different from the culture around us, based solely on the word of God. In our family culture, we also value individual liberty: “1Co 7:22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord’s freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ’s servant” and pray that each of our children will find true individual freedom, which means being a servant to Christ…NOT making life-changing decisions all by themselves just because they’re “free”. We are also seeking to be a culture where parents know their children’s hearts, and children trust their parents ESPECIALLY in the important things, because they know that in those things even more than others, their parents will diligently seek God’s will and heart for them. Also, where God works THROUGH parents, to affirm and reveal God’s will to children (even grown children). The only reason it doesn’t work in the American culture is because the American culture has made a mess of God-ordained order of authority and submission and parent-child relationships.
You said: “The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready.” Umm… and it’s a bad idea to “delay marriage until you are ready”? I think it’s a worse idea to throw up your hands and say “I better get married, ready or not, cause I live in a sexually charged culture and I might burn with lust!” How about instead we take the “flee youthful lust” part of that, and avoid putting ourselves in situations where lust might be awakened, when we’re not ready to deal with it. Like, for instance, in dating.
You said: “The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.” And I’ve heard people say that they’re not going to get married until they’re 30, because it’s so much fun dating around.
You said: “”Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him.” That is just absolutely not true. I would not have found my Philip any faster by dating a bunch of guys in the meantime! I just would have had a lot more heartbreak, disappointment, and baggage by the time I found him, and a lot less of myself that I had saved just for him!
You said: “If she says you need to talk to her dad first, just move on to the next girl. Don’t let the fact that some women have controlling fathers keep you from dating the girls with more normal families. There are a lot of fish in the sea and some dads are nicer than others. Remember that this man would have become your father-in-law, and controlling people tend to control everything they can. So avoiding women with those kinds of fathers can save you a lot of heartache down the road.” Or you could see it the way (my now husband) Philip did, and think “Wow, now this is a girl who honors her father, and a father who loves and cherishes his daughter and wants the best for her. This girl will make a good wife, I can see how her heart is submitted to the authority in her life. I want a wife who will honor and trust me the way this girl honors and trusts her father.”
You said: “Don’t marry the first person you have feelings for.” But, wouldn’t it be a beautiful thing if we could look our spouses in the eye and say “You are the first person I’ve ever had feelings for”. Wow. What a precious gift to our spouse!! Why not teach our children to have that as a goal, and to therefore guard their hearts and feelings, and save them for the one that they KNOW is the right one??
You said: “Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don’t know.” I just don’t see the wisdom in this. If you don’t know them, how do you even know that they are really a “Christian” guy?? Shouldn’t it at LEAST say “allow your daughters to say yes to first dates with guys that you know well enough to know that they are trustworthy, honorable Christian guys”???
Sorry, I knew that would be long but I didn’t mean for it to be THAT long. 😉
Clara,
You should write the book. Never mind Tom here. I’m gonna print out your comments – I promise to give you credit though!
-Joe
The author seems to have a strong bias against courtship, and paints with a broad brush, particularly, “controlling courtship fathers” who “run off’ all of their daughters’ would-be suitors (How many of these tyrannical fathers did he encounter to justify labeling all “courtship dads” as controllers?). Thomas Umstattd’s definition of courtship is flawed, for it is not an “arranged marriage”, an engagement for marriage from the first date, and it does not “doom a woman to spinsterhood”. Courtship has 3 goals: the protection of daughters, the protection of their suitors (accountability) and the glory of God. Umstattd describes his grandparents as nominal Christians who were the products of a more moral era. Dating in the author’s Grandparents’ day was an entirely different matter. Then there was still a stigma against premarital sexual relations. Promiscuity is rampant in our culture where one-night stands are almost synonimous with the word “dating.” Multiple relationships with multiple break-ups lead to hardened hearts that are able to break up more easily with each “unsuccessful” relationship. This is a dress rehearsal for divorce. 60-70 years ago, (his grandparents’ day), there was a strong social stigma against divorce, premarital sex, etc. When they decided to marry in that generation, it was understood that it was for life. Not so, in our liberated, independent, selfish modern culture. What I find lacking in this article, since it was written by a Christian for Christians, is the seeking of God’s will in a life-long mate. If we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. If we “try on” guys or girls like they are outfits to be accepted or rejected, this is the way of the world. It is also leaning on the arm of the flesh rather than trusting the Lord for your life-long partner. Marriage is a calling. I agree with the advisory role of parents toward their children in early adulthood that he describes; however, it is the rare young person who actually seeks or desires advice from their parents or those with more life experience and wisdom in the Lord. The bottom line here is asking ourselves the question, “Is it MY will be done” or “Thy will be done?”
I am impressed with what you have to say and how you present it.
I have not read all of the comments so this may be repeating someone else’s comments.
Here are few ideas
1:Sin and not the wrong spouse is the cause of all divorces.
2: Who you marry is not as important as the character of who you marry. Arranged marriage succeed for the same reason non-arranged marriages do. Two people fall in love after they are married. Falling in love before marriage is no indicator of a successful marriage.
The key to the successful marriage is who You are and how much You put into the marriage.
3: Independence is not the virtue it is made out to be. interdependency is the virtue. The more “I will do it my way” the more egotistical and self-centered. It is only when we do it “our way” that we are free.
4: Date rape means a father and mother need to be more influential and ‘overbearing’ since age and experience are the most effective tools to get the discernment that will say no the wrong kind of guy, who doesn’t care about the sacredness of a woman, when he seems to be an OK kind of guy.
5: Group activities are not the way to select a mate, but they are a great way to scope the fishing pond.
This may be the single best article I’ve ever read on this topic.
Two things I’d like to say which may help your book. I’m already down for buying it, btw.
First, a wise and intelligent friend of mine made a comment when he posted this article, which unfortunately rubbed me the wrong way. “Whether the author is right or wrong, this article should remind us all that our rules around dating/courtship/whatever should be no more nor less than the application of biblical principles.”
My response to that was this:
“Yeah, but what the heck does that even mean? The closest we have to “biblical principles” on the topic of courting and pre-marriage relationships are a few scattered example depictions of widely varying ancient cultural systems. (Examples which aren’t necessarily even normative!).
I mean, that sounds pretty spiritual and fancy to say, but i don’t think it actually is helpful. I think it is actually unhelpful, because it obscures the reality that even finding (let alone applying) “biblical principles” of this specific sort of thing may in fact be impossible.”
Second. Remember that much of your audience is going to be the extremely conservative parents, whose concern with dating is a crucial part of their worldview which includes a strong component of deep parental control. This is a central part of the content of the political phrase, “family values.” Anything which fosters autonomy in the child is suspicious or dangerous. Anything that grants the parent additional control is positive (especially of girls). You’ll either have to address this head on, or from the side, but you’ll have to address it, or, sadly, your ideas here will never gain traction among conservative Christians.
Book Title Idea: UnPractical Courtship. I take no credit for this, but if you use it, it would be totally awesome.
Anyway, I have no idea what your other positions are on other topics, but I fully intend to start following your blog, whether I agree or not, because of this article.
It strikes me that we should look to our heavenly father’s example. God is not controlling, He gives us scripture as a map for life, and allows us the room to succeed or fail in our walk with him. God is active in my life…putting things, people and situations in my path that mold me into the vessel that He wants to use for His glory. When parents try to control and hold tightly to a decision as important as choosing a spouse, they can become mire in the path that God is laying out for their child. If that child does not have the fortitude to stand up for their choice, and belief that they have found the right one, Gods plan in that life can be thwarted by us as loving parents, trying to do what is right. LET GO! I was forced to make a horrible choice when I met my spouse. I chose him, and the relationship between me, as an adult, and my parents who wanted to say no to my choice for a spouse, was damaged by their controlling attitude. (33 years later, I am still happily married to a man who loves God and lives out his faith beautifully) Lets teach Jesus to our children. Let make Him so important that they remember their love for him when temptation is in their way. Let’s empower them to making smart choices, founded on biblical teaching and modeling in our own lives. Let’s model marriages and relationships that make them long to find what we have! Then, we don’t have to set a rigid policy that limits Gods ability to move them into the biggest decision of their lives, without permission.
All parents have a biblical precedent to guide their children period. And that means sometimes rigid rules – rules that don’t bend. You really have to be careful here. I go to church and there are plenty of families who let their children have free reign to cut into line to get that doughnut ahead of the elderly person when they should have been taught to respect those who are older and wait for the adults to go first. I also see unruly little brats in the grocery line balling at their mother and even slapping her when they don’t get what they want (or is this Walmart??) Yes Christian parents have the same attitude as the world as it pertains to parenting – don’t say “no” to little Johnny because you’ll hurt his self-esteem! I am sorry but I disagree with the implications in your comment. Loving your child and enabling God to work in their lives in a personal way is contingent on restrictive rules. Heck, God is not all “loving” either. Paul mentions that God disciplines those he loves and it is not pleasant etc…I as my child’s father, who believes in a covenant theology, have been put here to mold my child into the person God intends for him or her to be. That is an active process obviously and not passive one as I unfortunately see in so many Christian parents. But as our children get older our job does change. See I am making a distinction as we need to as well. As they get older our approach changes. If we have done what God has instructed to the best of our ability, not perfectly of course, then we draw on this in an appeal for our children to make the right decision and course of action. I no longer can ‘discipline’ them. I must draw out the fact that their time of drawing on the Lord as their provider is at hand. We, as parents, have done what we could in our imperfection and now they must make that faith their own and seek his face. I will counsel and do all I can to give insight into every decision they are going to make in a mate. I will appeal to whatever comes to mind. It is my responsibility still as his or hers loving, caring father. But I cannot force them to do anything against their will. I can express disapproval but the intent here is that they will continue to hear me because they trust my heart and my desire for their success. But I will never “let go” of my role. I will not ever abandon any of my children by saying, “o.k, you’re on your own now buddy; see ya!” So what this means is that I will express concern and disapproval if and when my young adult girl wants to ‘date’ someone I have reservations about. I will intervene if it is called for even if I have to threatened that she cannot see him if she is to remain under my roof. For if you understand covenant theology one day she will form her own family and God’s grace will extend outward to her family as he has blessed me and my family because we are believers, so he will bless hers. But she doesn’t want to act on her own without any accountability. God won’t bless this, therefore she still needs to listen and heed until she has determined to no longer bloom under the protection of her father and be an unprotected lady if she is determined to continue to ‘date’ the womanizing ‘biker guy’ down the street. I’ve said enough.
-Joe
I think that the age of the individuals does affect the wisdom of each of the two view points. I suppose a conversation that would help is what age would we consider appropriate for young people to start going on dates like this. I agree that courtship can be and tends to be a law based rather than trust based system and in that it is flawed. It also seems to make the finding of ‘the one’ a huge emphasis and in many cases the main focus of a young person’ life. I believe that this can be a bad thing. At that age their focus would be better places on building character and an earnest genuine relationship with God with the dating / courtship thing ticking along on the background as a normal part of their interaction. If we can keep the accountability and emphasis on sexual purity and work that into a dating model like the one described here than it would be a far better way forward for our young people. I should add that accountability should ideally be volunteered not enforced. If we teach our kids the value if accountability then perhaps they will chose to add that ingredient to their choices as a they seek to find ‘the one’.
Hi there.
I just read 90 percent of this article (a bit long and repetitive, sorry.), and I just want to say:
1- This seems a bit narrow. Maybe you dont need a label or system for getting married. Or maybe it is cultural and each group has its own. Why the debate, I have never understood.
2- If you believe that God is not dead, and that he speaks, why not ask him who to marry? If you believe God is dead, or doesn’t speak, then why should It matter?
3- The best and oldest marriages I have seen had no interrim phase between friends and spouses. I got married 3 months after meeting my wife. I proposed 2 weeks after meeting her. Not saying everyone should do this… it’s just that if you want to get married, grow some balls and ask.
4- I don’t think the historical and factual basis for this article is totally sound. Or at least not comprehensive. And I dont understand why te grandparent’s generation sshould be called “The Greatest”, as if it was institutionalised, or a well-known fact. Divorce has been uncommon in many societies for hundreds of years. I have never seen any evidence linking it to dating practices.
5- Christ did not say “change your pre-marital rituals, SO THAT you won’t get divorced”. He said “DONT DO IT”. Loosely quoted.
So How about we make a choice and stick to it. Take responsibility and stop blaming whatever system we are in. The system didn’t make your choices – you did. And even if you threw the dice, “God determines the outcome”
Super advice. Love to hear these for it helps us to put the focus back where it should be instead of hyperfocusing on some ‘legalistic’ system for getting it right. Though I am a courtship advocate this only means to me as simplistically as I can put it – that I desire to be a part of the process guiding my child to make the best choice they can in the mate that God will bring to them. If I am giving my daughter away, it seems to me that I had some biblical responsibility in raising her in the Lord preparing her for such a time as this.
-Joe
We are involved in college ministry at a military academy. This is a hot topic! Very balanced, thoughtful article. We will be sharing it and discussing it at great length.
After steady-dating 22 guys (relationships lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years) , I did courtship with 3 guys and got married to the last one.
What you say makes sense. We cautiously watched as our children dated (steady) and feared that they should have done courtship, but courtship was our choice–not parent-imposed. We submitted our relationships to God in the process of getting to know Christians of the opposite sex. I actually had two guys ask me to prayerfully look at whether God was drawing us together for the purpose of marriage, both times I saw within a week things that I could not mesh with in them. These were not sins in them or even character flaws, simply things that made them unique but were not attractive to me. I wouldn’t ask them to give up these essence-of-self things for me knowing another girl would probably love this in them and the guys would flourish in that love of who they were.
My husband, the third guy, and I “investigated” prayerfully whether God was drawing us together for marriage. After 3 months of intensive discussions, we had our answer. Three months after that we were married.
Our approach was an anchor to me. I knew through the many answers to prayer that this was God’s plan for me, so when we have had trials in our marriage I remember God started this and He can get me/us through it.
I agree with your thoughts on dating, but challenge your readers to surrender their dating to God’s leadership. Serious relating with the thought of marriage must be under His authority. Otherwise, as our culture of entitlement declares “I made a mistake, I can fix it with a divorce” will triumph in our thinking.
This marriage is MY life choice–I need to make it myself. However, family can speak good or ill into my future relationship and I will have to choose a life that In-law relationships could damage if I don’t find how to leave and cleave properly in. I may have the right spouse, but my extended family cannot be a big part my life once I’m married–for my marriage to be strong. Or my extended family can be a great support to my marriage by me living near them. Things to ponder.
Just as a clarification, not everyone in this generation lives in a culture of courtship. Speaking from nothing but personal experience, the first time and only time I have ever seen someone in my life affected by this mentality is when books were read. I would encourage anyone to read away, but formulate your own opinions on things. Educate yourself, by all means, but sometimes the best form of education is life itself. If you are not seeing it, if you spend you life holed away with a bunch of books, you will never learn anything worthwhile. Educational materials, even books talking about culture and what is current, are obsolete by the time they are published. Go out in the world and observe with your own eyes. That way you can make up your own mind, apply your own filters, and formulate your own opinions on things by matching up what you’re seeing to the word of God. Do not believe everything you see or everything you hear because people twist the words of the bible to fit their own purposes, even pastors, teachers, and loved ones. Seek the Spirit to find the truth of the words you read, no matter what the source. For those of us who have never fallen into the courtship mentality, or have grown up outside of those ridiculous restrictions, please, do not harass or ridicule your brothers and sisters who were raised like that. Do not fault them for who they are. Love them, help them, and encourage them in their quest.
Quick question that could perhaps be a jumping off point for a follow-up post. One of the main main main differences between our culture and our grandparents is accessibility to one another through social media. So, it’s not as simple as going out on one fun date and then being let off at the door to see each other again who knows when. There are follow-up texts, facebook and twitter following, etc. Do you think any of this plays into just how traditional dating would best work now?
Why replace one system with another? What is problematic is not the system one chooses to use to approach the path to marriage, but that one chooses a system to do so.
If you’re single, be content in your singleness, as the apostle Paul advised. Focus your energies and affections on seeking after His righteousness and kingdom. The rest will come to you. Pursue the presence of the Lord. Walk with the Holy Spirit. Trust in Him for everything. Don’t limit God to a system you have created.
When there is an interest in someone or they have an interest in you, don’t automatically say “yes” because you follow the dating system. And don’t automatically say “no” because they didn’t ask your father (which in some cases would be impossible or ridiculous anyway). Just ask the Lord to direct you, and see if it brings you a sense of peace to say yes or to say no. Whatever brings you that clear sense of God’s peace is what you do. If you don’t know what to say to let someone down, ask the Lord for wisdom and He’ll give it. If you acknowledge the Lord in every step, you will not go wrong and you certainly won’t miss out on what He has for you.
I was homeschooled and part of a community that really removed themselves from society. This is another system created, not by Scripture, but by people. It was a blessing in my life, and I am not against it per se, but removing ourselves socially from the people we live with is not God’s heart for the world. Although hypothetically, God may call some to do it, it is certainly not what he meant when he commanded his disciples to go into all the world, teaching and baptizing and bringing freedom. I see the early Christians living in the direction and empowerment of the Holy Spirit, wherever they went and to whomever they spoke. That’s how I want to be. Free from the patterns and systems of the world. Free from slavery to sin and shame and fear. Free to bring freedom to others, not to hide from them.
As for the comments about dating, there is no going back in time. Dating has changed. It really can’t be about choosing courtship or dating, it has to be more than that. I propose we abandon our need to control the process and commit to pleasing the Lord as we take each step (and this includes consulting Him regularly and keeping trusted leaders in the loop). Don’t just date or court with out running the idea by someone in authority over you, whether that’s a parent or church leader or trusted older wiser Christian (someone who won’t just tell you what you want to hear, but actually what is right). This will keep your community peaceful as the relationship progresses, confident in you because you’ve been open to them. But don’t be afraid that if you don’t date a bunch of people you won’t find someone. Christ didn’t die for you to be afraid of missing out on His blessing for your life. You can trust Him. Make sure you are pursuing Him, and His goodness and mercy will chase you down. You wont’ miss it.
Peace to you.
You have an excellent article.
If you want to know the tragic extreme, my family’s lives will never be the same, partially due to Christian courtship and cultural mating, please email me. If you are writing a book and wanting to do case studies, my story is noteworthy. God Bless.
PS. My real name is changed to protect those within my sphere.
It seems like there is an either or presented here when there can be so much more. A courtship guide that encourages a child to get together w/ an interested party for 3 or 4 times in a public place. By then they should be able to tell if they are a Christian and of like mind as well as getting to know them. If the child wants to take it further w/ that party, then involve the parents. Not as a preengagement but just to have wiser eyes involved. And I see no problem w/ parents setting resonable guidelines to maintain purity–especially when under age girls are involved. And one thing that is not addressed is the difference in the cultures then and now: back then most women got married much younger & were prepared to train children and run a home. Young men were often providing for families at 18 or 20. Now many go to college etc. Also not addressed is the no fault divorce & women having their own careers as well as the increase acceptance of divorce and or living together in our present culture. Many of my mother’s generation were pregnant when they got married–so many that there was the phrase about first babies can arrive any time, after that they usually took 9 months! Thank you for your perspective—gave me much to think about!